


A Heavy Heart to Carry

by Skaii



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Child Death, Death, Emotional Manipulation, Fluff, Ghosts, Haunting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Sibling Incest, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Supernatural Elements, Underage Sex, Vomiting, ghouls don't exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 12:44:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 33,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4180299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skaii/pseuds/Skaii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cold breath washed over the back of Haise's neck. All the hair on his body stood up, and he swallowed hard. He couldn't see behind him, but he couldn't bring himself to turn around. His breathing became shaky and shallow.</p><p>"Who are you?" Haise whispered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags. also, the title is from florence and the machine's 'heavy in your arms'.

_"No matter what, you can't open this door."_

_It's cramped and hot in the closet. The walls are closing in on him, and the air is running out fast. He whimpers, "Don't go. We'll be safer in here—"_

_"I have to." He smiles and ruffles the smaller boy's hair. "I'm older, remember?"_

_A loud slam. Both of them jump, tiny trembling hands over their mouths. The fragile smile disappears and they look at each other with twin wide-eyed gazes._

_"Don't open the door," the older boy whispers. He cups the other's cheek, strokes a thumb over the jagged pale line on his jaw, then pushes him back until the jackets conceal him. He creeps out of the closet and shuts the door behind him._

_Then he's gone._

 

Sasaki Haise woke with a strangled cry.

 _It was a dream. It was a dream,_ he thought. The sheets of his bed stuck to his cold, clammy skin. Haise squeezed his eyes shut and began counting to ten.

By the time he reached nine, the nightmare had trickled from his mind like water from a cupped palm. Haise was fine with that; he didn't want to remember. With a sigh, the seventeen year old pushed back his damp hair. He sat up and turned his head. The alarm clock on his bedside table read in bright green digits _5:28._ Two minutes before it would go off.

Haise began the lengthy process of extricating himself from the tangle of blankets around him. He sat up, stretched, then reached over and flicked the alarm from on to off. Haise grimaced at his sweaty skin and shuffled off to the bathroom, with clothes and a towel in his arms, to begin his routine. He locked the door behind him.

Dark blue light filtered through the bathroom window until Haise drew the curtains closed. He undressed, folded his clothes on the counter and stepped into the shower. Haise turned the control until the spray was hot. The high schooler rested his cheek against the cold tile and sighed, running a list through his mind. _I'll have to work on my graduation project, make dinner tonight if Mom and Dad aren't home by tonight, help Tooru, Ginshi and Saiko with their homework, find out more about Kamii University, study for exams..._

Haise could already feel his head starting to throb. With closed eyes he poured body wash into his hand and slathered his other. The liquid was slick. Dripping. Sticking to his fingers.

The shower smelled like copper.

Haise glanced down, and his hands were covered in red. He sucked in a harsh gasp, looked back at the bottle with wide eyes. The liquid inside was clear. A strangled sob leapt from Haise's mouth. He stumbled, fell back against a wall. Fingers of ice clutched his chest.

 _Blood,_ Haise shuddered, _it's blood. Why?_

Haise fumbled to look at his torso and arms. Nothing hurt, nothing was bleeding. It was as if the blood had come out of nowhere.

Then came scratching. Violent scraping noises, as if someone was dragging their nails down the bathroom walls. Haise fumbled for a weapon, and found himself holding a shampoo bottle. A hysterical laugh slipped from his mouth. _As if that will help me._ There were razors in the cabinet, but if he left the shower... whatever that was would get him, he knew it.

The harsh and fast breaths Haise took in burned his lungs. Something was dragging across the floor, something metallic. Coming closer and closer and closer and—

A shadow passed over the shower curtain. Reaching.

Then everything stopped. Except for the shower spray and Haise's labored breathing, it was silent. He looked down at his hands, and they were clean. The shadow was gone.

"What..." Haise whispered, "was that?"

The high schooler's shaking legs gave out, and he found himself on the floor of the shower. He drew his knees to his chest and hugged them. He knew it was stupid, but he pinched his arm. No luck. He buried his face in his knees and felt his eyes prickling. _Am I losing my mind?_

The water was running cold by the time Haise dared to come out. His racing thoughts had faded to numbness as he dried and dressed himself. When he turned to the mirror, he froze.

Written in the fog in messy, childlike handwriting, were three words. 

_You left me._

Haise knocked the mouthwash off the counter in his shock. He whirled around. The window was closed, the door was still locked. There were no scratches on the walls, no footprints, no signs that anything had been moved. It was as if only Haise had ever been in there. It didn't make sense, he knew he heard someone, and that shadow...

 _There was blood on my hands,_ Haise recalled, but it had disappeared. So maybe that had been... a hallucination, brought on by stress?

The message on the mirror, though, there was only one way to explain. Haise clenched his fist.

 _Oh, I'm going to kill Ginshi!_ Tooru, he would be more gentle with. Ginshi had probably roped him into it. If it wasn't so early he would suspect Saiko as well, but there was no way either of them had convinced her to get out of bed. Haise wiped the words off the mirror. The seventeen year old's cheeks burned; he had acted like such a baby, when it was just his younger brothers messing with him.

Haise slammed the door open and stormed down the stairs.

Yawning and rubbing their eyes, Ginshi and Tooru were sitting at the dining room table. Tooru looked up and began to smile at his older brother, but he faltered as he noticed the stern look Haise was wearing.

"Ginshi! What do you have to say for yourself?"

The boy in question blinked up at Haise and tried, "I'm hungry...?"

"I know you enjoy pranks, but that was going too far. I was in the shower! Having fun is one thing, violating my privacy is another," Haise took a calming breath in. His intent was to give them a talking to, but he didn't want to be too hard on them. He turned to the youngest boy, "and Tooru, you should know better than to go along with whatever Ginshi says."

"Uh, Aniki? What do you mean?" Ginshi scratched his head and frowned.

"That stunt you pulled in the bathroom." Haise folded his arms over his chest. _Really, does he have to act like he doesn't know?_

Ginshi and Tooru exchanged glances with raised eyebrows. Tooru shrugged. It occurred to Haise that it wasn't like Ginshi to play dumb. The boy was pretty straightforward, and when he played a joke on Haise he owned up to it.

"We just woke up. I've been with Ginshi the entire time. We didn't do anything, Haise."

Haise weighed both of them with pursed lips and a furrowed brow. Tooru looked back with his shoulders squared and chin up. Neither of the boys were good liars, he knew. After a moment's inspection, Haise looked away.

 _They really didn't do it._ Haise's shoulders slumped. If they didn't do anything... then he wasn't sure he wanted to know what had happened.

Haise strode to the table and ruffled the two boys' hair. The incident troubled him, but he put on a smile nevertheless. They didn't need to know that Haise was bothered, "I'm sorry. Never mind about that, what do you guys want for breakfast?"

Ginshi stood up so fast the leg of the chair he was sitting in screeched on the floor. He slammed his hands on the table. Haise could practically see stars in his eyes. Ginshi directed his best attempt at puppy dog eyes toward his brother and said, "Waffles!"

Haise turned to Tooru, "How's that sound?"

"I'm fine with anything." Tooru's eyes were averted. Haise chewed his lip. He wished Tooru would care more for what he himself wanted. If he wanted something different, Haise had no problem making it. _Should I say something about it? ...No, he wouldn't believe me. Tooru will have to realize for himself that I'm always okay with him 'troubling' me._

"Alright! I'll go wake up Saiko up and see what she thinks," Haise said.

"No one could say no to your waffles!" Shirazu puffed his chest out. Okay, so maybe Haise was a sucker for compliments... but that wasn't why he was going to give Shirazu extra whipped cream. Definitely not.

Haise turned and climbed the stairs towards Saiko's room, his steps brisk as he got into gear. Saiko's room was on one side of his own, while Tooru and Ginshi shared a room on the other side. Haise shared his room as well, but... he winced. He didn't want to think about why the other bed was now empty. 

Saiko was the only one who roomed alone, mainly because no one could stand to live with her mess. Saiko's room was more like a cave, really. She left snack wrappers and soda bottles everywhere, and figurines in places people could step on them. Plus she often pulled all-nighters playing her games.

Haise turned the corner, and felt something smack into him. He looked down, and saw the top of a blonde head.

"Sorry, Mom." Haise stepped back. "I was just going to get Saiko up."

Akira nodded and said, "I'll take care of that."

Haise thanked her. He grinned and opened his arms for a hug. Haise and Akira were the only two who could convince Saiko to get out of bed in the morning. Akira indulged him and wrapped her arms around his waist. 

"Where's Dad?" Haise asked.

"They called Koutarou in last night."

Haise held back the sigh that threatened to fall out, and schooled his expression to a neutral one before he pulled away. Akira's eyes were a little too knowing, so he inspected the carpet.

"Haise." Akira paused for a beat, studying him before she asked, "is everything alright?"

Haise faltered. _She's got enough on her plate already._ He could handle it on his own, without bothering anyone. He would never want to worry his mother.

In the end, he looked up with a smile and a touch of his chin. "Of course. Why wouldn't it be?"

*

Breakfast consisted of a tense moment when Haise brought an extra plate and all of them tried not to look at the empty seat at the table, Haise's puns, ( _"If you keep clinging to me I'll have to call you Saikoala."_ ) and Akira attempting to lower Saiko's portions. ( _"Mama, that's not fair!"_ ) Afterwards came school.

Outside his house, Haise fumbled for his phone when he felt it vibrate against his thigh. It was lit up with a text. He smiled when he saw who it was from.

_From: Sunshine_

_behind you!!! =͟͟͞͞ =͟͟͞͞ ﾍ( ´Д`)ﾉ_

Haise slipped his phone into his pocket. Before he could turn around, a heavy weight crashed into him and arms wrapped around his waist. For a moment the world tilted as Haise struggled to keep his balance. Then the arms let go, and the high schooler was spun around to come face-to-face with his best friend.

"Yo, Haise!" Hide clapped his hands down on Haise's shoulders, wearing a serious expression. He stared into Haise's own startled face for a couple of seconds before breaking out into a wide grin and releasing him. Haise rolled his eyes and the two fell into step beside each other.

"Was that actually necessary?" Haise mock grumbled. In truth, he all but minded the chance to have Hide's arms wrapped around him. Hide was radiant beside him, all white teeth and fawn skin, sunflower hair and coffee grind eyes. Spring and summer looked good on Hide; the sun did him well.

"Of course!" Hide put his arms behind his head as he walked, and turned his head to the sky. Haise wondered how it was that Hide never tripped, walking like that. "Hey, I bet there'll be loads of pretty girls in college."

"We have to worry about getting into college before thinking about that," Haise reminded.

"How can I not think about pretty girls? It's spring, and you know what rabbits do in the—" Hide was cut off when Haise shoved his arm. The blond laughed and gave his friend a gentle shove in return. Haise's cheeks felt warm.

"Have you figured out where you wanna go?"

"Ah." Haise rubbed his neck, "maybe Kamii?"

Hide whistled, his eyebrows raised. "You mean _the_ Kamii? Kamii University, the greatest university around here?"

"You're exaggerating."

Hide shrugged. "Maybe, but you can't deny it's a place for smart people. Well, if anyone can get accepted, it's you. I'll be cheering for you, Haise."

"Hide..." Haise smiled and looked down at his moving feet. Really, how was he supposed to keep his pulse under control when the blond said things like that? He knew that when he studied that night, he would be remembering Hide's words to keep himself going. Haise glanced back up at Hide, "What about you? Where do you want to be admitted to?"

"As fate would have it," Hide put his hand over his chest, his expression dramatic, "I also am shooting for Kamii!"

Haise's head whipped back up and he stared at Hide. He couldn't help it; a wide smile began to stretch his lips. Warmth bubbled in his chest.

"C'mon, don't look so surprised... who would watch out for you without me around?"

Haise hummed but didn't answer, as he was grasping at a pun. He breathed a triumphant ha as it finally came to him, "If we both get accepted it'll be a _Kamiiracle._ " 

Hide groaned and mimed choking to death. Fine, that one sucked, but Haise's first puns of the day always sucked. He had to get on a roll before they improved.

The walk became silent. The school was getting closer and closer. Soon Haise would have to struggle through another day of boring lectures and hard work, with his only salvation being occasional texts from Hide.

At the entrance, Haise glanced at Hide and tilted his head when the blond put a hand on his shoulder. Hide hesitated, opening his mouth then closing it, glancing to the side then back at Haise. It was strange seeing his best friend so uncertain.

"Has anything... weird... no, never mind." Hide shook his head. "Haise, please take care of yourself. Get some sleep, relax a little. You're not looking too good..."

Hide turned and began to walk away. Haise stared at his retreating back and raised his eyebrows. _What was that all about?_

Haise frowned. As Hide had turned, he thought he heard the boy mutter under his breath.

_"...something might take advantage of that."_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a warning, in this chapter there's a panic attack, vomiting and masturbation.

The coffee shop was welcoming. It was in the afternoon on a weekday and, besides Hide and Haise, Anteiku was empty. The quiet atmosphere, filled only with the soft clicking of dishes being cleaned by the workers, was something Haise cherished. It was a good place for reading books.

This time, however, reading wasn't what he was there for. Hide was sitting across from him, tapping a beat against the shiny wood of their table. Two more stools were at the table, but they were empty. Hide had dragged Haise to Anteiku to meet with two other friends, Touka and Ayato. They were waiting for them.

The sound of something breaking rang through the coffee shop. Haise jumped. His head jerked up and he looked toward the noise, where a waitress behind the counter was bowing profusely. _Did she drop a cup?_ Haise wondered. He guessed she was new, because he didn't recognize her.

Haise saw the manager come through the back door and begin speaking to the waitress. She hung her head. Although he had never met her, Haise felt a pang of sympathy. He had worked at Anteiku before he quit to focus on school, and he knew the shame of messing up many times when he was new.

But Yoshimura put his hands on her shoulders, smiled, and seemed to speak kind words. 

"He's a cool guy, isn't he?" Hide's voice broke Haise from his thoughts.

"The manager?"

"Yeah. He's always smiling and kind to everyone. I think that's how I want to age." Hide's grin abruptly turned sly. He cupped his hand by the side of his face, leaned in and whispered, "It doesn't hurt that he has cute girls in waitress uniforms working for him—"

Touka had chosen that moment to show up. Hide promptly clamped his mouth shut; Touka was one of the Anteiku waitresses in question, but she had taken the day off.

Ayato slid onto a stool, and Touka sat at the one across from her brother. Haise slid their drinks across the table. Besides Hide, who ordered something new every time, they each had a usual order.

Instead of calling Hide a pervert as Haise expected, Touka propped her cheek against her fist, smirked, and said, "Not just girls."

"Are you ever going to let that go, Touka-chan?" Haise laughed and scratched the back of his head, the tips of his ears becoming warm. "It was one time..."

"You gonna tell us or not?" Ayato asked, sipping his sugary coffee.

"She's not," Haise said.

Of course, Haise's interruption was treated as background noise. "Let's just say that a customer spilled coffee on Haise... guess what the only clean uniform was."

Almost simultaneously, Ayato and Hide gave appreciative whistles. Hide took it a step farther by putting his open hand on the table. "Pics?"

Touka put her own open hand on the table. "Six hundred yen."

Hide slapped the yen down in a heartbeat. Haise watched the exchange with red cheeks and a scrunched up expression, unsure of how to react to this. Hide was probably just messing around, as usual. The blond had a tendency to playfully flirt with everyone he knew.

Touka closed her hand, tucked the money in her wallet, and then smiled. "I never said I'd show you pictures. My phone was dead."

Upon realizing he had been tricked, Hide groaned and thunked his head down on the table. Dejection poured off him in waves.

Ayato threw his head back and laughed, slamming his hand on the table. He laughed until he was red in the face and there were tears in his eyes. "Nagachika, you poor, thirsty son of a bitch. You'll chase a skirt even if there's a dick under it."

The focus at that moment was on Hide, but Haise glanced at Touka and noticed that she seemed... off. She wasn't smiling despite the banter. She was staring into her coffee, which she had barely touched. When she noticed him staring the third year forced a cheerful expression back on. Haise resolved to ask her what was wrong later, at a time when the other two weren't around.

For now, though, Haise joined the conversation. "At least Hide doesn't get hard because of guys crying all over him."

"I didn't get hard, who the hell would get a boner over Naki?" Ayato hissed, but the blush going all the way down his neck betrayed him. "Good job sticking up for your boyfriend, Sasaki."

"That wasn't even a good come back, but speaking of which... Touka-chan, how's your girlfriend?" Haise made the remark playfully, hoping to distract Touka from whatever was bothering her. 

Touka looked away, furrowed her brow, and bit out, "We're not dating."

"What should I call it then? Friends with pining?"

"Haise, stop."

"I'll keep in mind that you're not dating when you invite me to the wedding." Maybe Haise was an idiot, maybe he didn't know how far was too far, maybe he hadn't read her well enough, because he pushed harder. The moment he said it, he knew he had messed up.

The next thing Haise knew, Touka was standing, her chair knocked over behind her. She looked daggers at him and said, "Shut _up._ "

Then Touka's knuckles were flying at his face.

Haise flinched back violently. Inches away from his cheek, her fist stopped. Hide's hand had shot to Touka's wrist, holding it back. Haise had never seen Hide look at anyone less than benevolently, but there he was, staring Touka down with his lips in a tight line, his eyes harsher and colder than steel.

Haise lifted a shaking hand to his jaw. He hadn't been hit, but it hurt. He could almost feel blood dripping down his fingers, but when he looked, there was none. _I... I need to go._ The walls were closing in on him. He couldn't breathe.

A mumbled excuse and Haise stood on unsteady legs. He could barely see what was in front of him as he stumbled to the bathroom. His ears were ringing, and they wouldn't stop. He couldn't breathe.

Haise fell back against the nearest wall and curled up, inhaled the smell of rubbing alcohol. The bathroom was empty, but he wasn't alone. There was a voice in his ears. He couldn't breathe.

" _...ro, I should've protected... not okay... there's so much blood..._ "

Haise struggled for air, his breathing coming shallow and fast. It wasn't soothing the ache in his lungs. The sound of the bathroom door opening came, and Haise stumbled to his feet. _No, I don't want anyone to see me like this...!_ His cold hands latched onto the edge of a sink to support himself.

The click of boots on the floor. In walked Ayato. He took one look at Haise and said, "You look like shit."

"I'm fine, I just—" Something crawled up Haise's chest, lurched in his throat. He turned his head and puked in the sink.

Ayato winced and hurried forward to pull Haise's hair back. "Jesus, Sasaki."

Haise gagged at the taste left in his mouth, but nothing came up. He looked up, and his reflection was pale and clammy. Ayato was right, he did look like shit. 

"Rinse your mouth," Ayato ordered, and Haise did. Touka's younger brother grabbed some paper towels and got them damp, then wiped at Haise's face. The seventeen year old let him. Ayato liked to pretend he was an asshole, but just like his sister he could be quite the mother hen.

Haise sighed, calm finally washing over him. It was nice to be looked after. Usually he was the one who had to take care of others, specifically his younger siblings.

"Is Touka-chan...?" Haise trailed off. He wasn't sure what he wanted to ask.

"She and Nagachika left. Said something about talking in private." Ayato shrugged. He tossed the paper towels into the trash. "You're wondering what was up with Touka, right? Yoriko got a boyfriend."

"Shit," Haise muttered. He buried his face in his hands. 

"She'll forgive you if you apologize. Worry about that later. Can you eat?"

"I think so." Haise felt starving after the exhaustion of what he now realized had been a panic attack. The possibility of throwing up what he ate made him less eager, but he felt like he could keep it down.

"Good. I'm buying you food and then walking you home."

"You don't have to—"

"Did I fucking stutter? No? Then come on."

Haise hesitated, then gave in and allowed Ayato to pull him toward the door. "Thank you..."

"Don't mention it. No, really, don't. If you try to say you owe me I'll kick your ass."

*

_To: Kuki_

_We miss you. Please come home._

Haise's thumb lingered over 'send'. He took a breath in, shut his eyes, and leaned his head against the wall. He forced himself to tap the button, and not delete what he had typed and give up. He wondered if Kuki even read the messages.

Probably not.

The third year student leapt to his feet, raised his arm and hurled his cell phone at his bedroom wall. The resulting noise wasn't satisfying, it only made Haise feel worse. He walked over and stooped to pick it up. The screen had cracked, but it seemed to still work. He eyed the door for a minute, but breathed a sigh and slumped his shoulders when no one came asking about the sudden noise.

Haise groaned and sank down on his bed. He slid the phone on his bedside table, then threw an arm over his face. Everything felt low-key awful. Something cold and slimy sat in the pit of Haise's stomach, and his head felt like it was being hit with a hammer. After the awful events of that day, he felt like laying there and never getting up.

_Maybe Hide was right, that I need to relax..._

Haise glanced towards the phone. The thought of Hide's low, sleepy voice in his ear was a nice one, but he shook his head. It was too late at night, any sane person would be asleep. He would just be bothering the blond if he called him. Besides, Haise couldn't shake the image of Hide's cold stare toward Touka from his head. It bothered him.

The next thing that came to his mind was a hot bath, but that was out of the question. It had been three days and even though he had resolved to forget about what happened, Haise had started to feel uncomfortable showering. He rushed through it and got out of the bathroom as fast as he could. The thought of _someone_ being in there with him made icy trickles of fear run down his spine. Sometimes, Haise would be certain that someone was watching him, but he'd turn around and see nothing. Other times, he would see things out of the corners of his eyes.

It was easy to tell himself that he was just stressed out and imagining things. It wasn't easy to believe it.  
So the next thing on Haise's list of things to do to relax was... fun times with his hand. It had been a while, considering that his siblings' rooms were on either side of his. But it was late at night, they were asleep, and Haise knew he himself wouldn't be able to sleep that night anyway. 

Haise pushed his shirt up to rest on his chest. He trailed his fingers up his stomach, let his eyes fall shut. His nipples hardened when he toyed with them. He imagined someone licking them, and as usual, that someone became a bleached blond with brown eyes.

Haise felt a familiar flash of guilt, but he pushed it aside with ease. After coming to the thought of Hide so many times, he had stopped feeling like he was violating his best friend just by fantasizing about him.

Haise breathed a pleased sigh. Hide's mouth would be so warm and so wet, teasing his chest. Maybe he'd use a hint of teeth, look up at the other with playful eyes. The seventeen year old unbuttoned his pants and kicked them off along with his underwear. He slid his hands along his soft thighs. Would Hide leave marks there, or where people could see them?

Hide would tease, Haise was sure, trailing fingers over his length. But he didn't want to be teased. He wanted to be _fucked._

The third year fished lube out from a drawer and slicked a palm with it. He gripped his hardening cock and slid his hand up. He thought about kneeling in front of Hide, thought about the blond rubbing the head of his member over his lips, then fucking into his mouth— _ohgodyes_ that was a nice thought. Haise slid his free hand's fingers into his mouth until his eyes were watering. He sucked on them, moaned as he imagined Hide tangling his fingers in his hair and pushing his head down.

_You're doing so good, Haise,_ Hide's voice was low in Haise's fantasy, his hands gentle as they cupped his cheek. Haise's cock twitched in his grip and leaked precome.

Haise withdrew the fingers from his mouth and fumbled to get lube on them as well. He reached down and slid a finger inside himself. Stroking his cock distracted him from the initial discomfort. He thought about Hide kissing him sweetly, smiling against his lips, pulling back to murmur _beg for it._

Haise whined and mouthed a barely audible, "Please."

He slid another finger in. Moving them around was starting to feel good. Haise ached for more. He imagined Hide pushing into him, and filled himself with a third.

_So good._ Haise turned his heated face into the pillow, muffling the noises he was making. Hide's cock would be so good, hard and hot and filling him up. He twisted his fingers just right and thrusted them in and out. He could almost hear and feel the obscene slap of skin on skin, Hide's pants and moans, the blond's lips against his.

Haise withdrew his fingers and moved to turn to his hands and knees, but stopped when he was on his side. He had felt something.

The bed had dipped behind him.

He froze. _I'm imagining things,_ he told himself. Maybe he had just gotten a little too into his fantasy. _There's no one there, there's no one there._

Cold breath washed over the back of Haise's neck. All the hair on his body stood up, and he swallowed hard. He couldn't see behind him, but he couldn't bring himself to turn around. His breathing became shaky and shallow. Moments passed but they felt unbearably long. Haise could hear nothing but the rush of blood in his ears.

Haise squeezed his eyes shut. Something wrapped around his waist, something that felt like... arms.

"Who are you?" Haise whispered.

Indecipherable mumbling answered him. The words made no sense, it was as if they had been rearranged then covered with static. They were broken up.

"W-what?" Haise frowned, straining his ears, "I don't understand."

Another soft sigh of freezing breath on the back of his neck. The arms let go, the weight on the bed lightened. Haise finally found the courage to open his eyes and sit up.

The room was empty. 

Haise realized that he hadn't closed the blinds of his window. He glanced over, and he saw it. A figure dressed in white, reflected in the glass. He blinked, and it was gone.

He inhaled sharply and his eyes again searched his room, but found nothing. This time, however, the sense that someone was watching him had vanished. Haise was sure that he was alone now.

The seventeen year old felt drained. His limbs were lead, his head was throbbing, his eyelids were heavy weights. He felt worse than he had earlier.

Haise shivered. His fingers were icy, from terror and the liquid that had cooled on them. He looked at his hands, scrunched his face up and grabbed tissues from his bedside table to clean himself up. He had gone soft. What happened had killed the mood.

One thing had become clear to Haise; he wasn't alone.

Haise redressed and stood with great reluctance to close the blinds. He grabbed his laptop off his desk and hurried back to the bed, where he bundled himself in blankets. It was irrational, but somehow the blankets made him feel safer. The third year student opened the laptop and pressed the power button. He tapped his fingers on the side of the keyboard as he watched the loading circle spin.

Haise typed his password in ('4696', definitely not hacker safe but he wasn't too worried about that) and logged on. He opened a search engine and clicked the bar. His fingers tapped over the keys, but didn't press down yet. _What do I search?_ Some of the first ideas that came to mind were too long to work well. 

The seventeen year old shrugged and decided that simpler was better. He typed in 'ghost in white', and clicked on the first link that appeared.

The article he read was about a ghost called the 'white lady', which made Haise breathe an amused huff despite himself. _Lady, huh? It wasn't very ladylike to intrude while I was showering and masturbating. Or gentlemanly, for that matter._ Haise saw no reason this type of ghost could only be one gender.

The white lady was a kind of ghost wearing a white dress. Often in legends she had lost or been betrayed by a lover. She was usually associated with a single family, and appeared when someone in the family was going to die.

Haise frowned. That couldn't be true, no. This ghost was just harassing him, for whatever reason.

The doubt lingered in his mind. His parents worked with the police, and something could go wrong at any time. The thought of losing them was unreal. He didn't even want to think about it.

What about the part about being betrayed by a lover? Wouldn't that point to Haise, with the message on the mirror and the ghost... well... there was no other word for it, _cuddling_ him? Haise had had a few brief relationships when he was younger, but he had never dated someone who passed away. He couldn't remember their names, but he was sure he would remember if anyone _died._

The whole thing didn't make any sense. For all Haise knew he could be dealing with a different type of spirit. Still, he resolved himself. 

Haise was going to have a word with this ghost.


	3. Chapter 3

Haise was sitting on the floor in front of the couch reading, Saiko laying on his shoulder and Ginshi half-resting in his lap playing video games, when the phone rang. Getting to his feet with two people clinging to him wasn't an easy task. Haise tried anyway.

"Nii-chan, I was almost asleep," Saiko grumbled. She certainly looked like it, considering the strands of hair stuck to a wet patch by her mouth.

Ginshi, in between expletives fired at the television, shifted to further pin Haise where he was. He held his bottom lip between absurd, pointed teeth. "It's just a telemarketer— shit, no, don't do that no _nope_ — or something. C'mon, aniki, I'm almost done with this level!"

"And you need to lay on me to finish it, why...?" Haise struggled to squirm out from under his siblings. If they didn't let him up soon, he'd miss the call. The ringing was becoming annoying, an itch he needed to scratch. "It might not be a _phone-y_. I can't _tell-a-phone_ to wait for your game."

To Haise's relief, he heard footsteps, then the ringing came closer. His youngest brother handed the phone to him. The seventeen year old smiled and mouthed thanks before answering the call. Tooru was a lifesaver. A godsend. An actual angel. Haise was going to throw dryer-warmed blankets on him later. Maybe make him hot chocolate or something.

"Hello?"

" _Haise?_ " A familiar voice answered, but it came out awkward. Koutarou always seemed awkward, but more so on the phone. He didn't like calling, but he liked texting even less. He was probably making a face like a disgruntled cat. " _Hello. Could you make dinner tonight? Akira and I will be late._ "

"I can do that, but... I don't think we have much to make." The last time Haise had checked, they were low on a lot of groceries.

" _Would you mind going to the store, then? I left some money on the counter._ "

"Sure. I'll ask Hide for a ride." Haise fought the urge to grin like an idiot at the thought of seeing the blond. If he did, Saiko might pick up on it. Considering the boys' love games she played, he didn't want to know what his sister would think. She might even say something to Hide. Now _that_ was a scary thought.

There was worry in the back of Haise's mind that things would be awkward after the events of the previous day, but he did his best to ignore it. He still needed to apologize to Touka but, as far as he knew, he and Hide were fine.

After a few moments of Koutarou trying to figure out what Haise had said over Ginshi's game blasting in the background, he thanked Haise, cleared his throat, and gave a parting, " _Love you._ "

"Love you too." The call ended. Ginshi was focused on his game, so Haise took his chance to wriggle out from under him. It earned him a few annoyed grumbles, but he was successful. He pulled his cellphone from his pocket and texted Hide while walking to the counter. 

Haise wondered what the other boy was doing. Playing video games, maybe. Reading a comic book in that Hide sort of way he did. When Haise read he was quiet, entered into the world of the book. When Hide read he filled the air with outbursts of _it was his half-brother? No way!_ and _they finally kissed, holy shit,_ and _that plot was awful._ Hide didn't enter the world, he pulled it out with him.

_To: Sunshine_

_Mind giving me a ride to the store?_

The reply came almost instantly.

_i'll b over in 15 ｡:.ﾟヽ(´∀`｡)ﾉﾟ.:｡+ﾟ_

The kaomoji earned a smile from Haise, who lingered over the message longer than necessary before pocketing his phone.

"I'm going to the store in a bit," Haise called to the others. Saiko, in his absence, had curled up in the warm spot he left. Ginshi was still playing his game. Tooru was petting Maris Stella, who was sitting on the back of the couch looking very smug, very fat, and very hairy. Tooru's hand came away with clumps of fur stuck to it every time it reached the end of her tail.

"Hide-san is taking you?" Tooru asked. Saiko and Ginshi perked up at the mention. All four of them enjoyed Hide's presence.

Haise nodded. He took the money from the counter, and headed toward his room to get ready.

*

The car was warm inside, and, according to the rabbit shaped air freshener hanging from the rear-view mirror, smelled like 'summer breeze'... whatever that smelled like. It was a burnt orange Mini Cooper. Hide had gotten it almost a year ago, or more accurately, inherited it from his grandparents. It wasn't an old car, though; they had gotten it not long before deciding they were too old to drive.

There actually wasn't much use for the car; everything they needed was in walking distance, they had bicycles for what wasn't, and when the two entered college they would be taking the train. Parking spaces there would be hard to come by and pricy to pay for. Plus, traffic congestion was a common and irritating problem.

Still, Hide treated the car as if it was his baby. There was not a single piece of trash inside, the dashboard was free of dust, and the outside almost sparkled. Haise was pretty certain he would be brutally killed if Hide knew what kind of filthy things he imagined them doing in that car. Considering how nonviolent the blond was, that was saying something.

Whenever he could, Hide found excuses to drive places, and Haise often helped him. There was something comforting about sitting in a sun warmed seat, listening to the English songs Hide put on, watching the blond's steady hands on the wheel. Hide was a good driver, never texting or running red lights and always keeping his eyes on the road. It gave Haise plenty of time for blatant staring without being noticed.

This time, Haise was staring at Hide's hair. He had it tied back in a tiny ponytail. _That should be illegal._ The sun was shining on the side of Hide's face, casting shadows down his eyelids, the curve of his cheek, the edge of his jaw. He already had a sketchbook filled with nothing but Hide, but Haise's fingers twitched with the want for a pencil.

The car stopped at a light. Haise's eyes trailed down Hide's neck to the collar of his shirt. It only had four buttons, but somehow, Hide had messed them up. 

Haise didn't think. He just leaned over, and then his hand was on Hide's collar and— how did that happen? He undid the buttons. Just to fix them, of course. It had nothing to do with revealing the sharp lines of Hide's collarbones. Hide had freckles there...

"Wow, stripping me while I'm driving?" Hide sounded amused. Haise knew him well enough to tell without looking that the other boy was waggling his eyebrows. Despite his words, Hide tipped his head back to give Haise more room.

"Only because you can't dress yourself." 

Hide smiled and said nothing.

Haise hesitated on the last button, then decided to leave it undone. He straightened Hide's collar, his hands lingering.

"Hey, if you're fixing my clothes I think my fly's down—" 

" _Really?_ " Haise gave Hide a _look._

Haise sat back in his seat. Cupped his cheek and stared out the window. The drive to the store was a short one, disproportionate to what the digital clock in the car said. He got the feeling Hide was intentionally driving like a little old lady.

Hide hadn't said a word about it since he showed up at the door, but the Anteiku incident had been on Haise's mind. It was just off, how Hide had acted. Hide never glared at people. He definitely never glared at Touka. And considering how protective Hide had been, it was almost as if he knew Haise would react that badly to Touka's violence. Even he himself didn't know why he had a panic attack over it.

"Hey... Hide." Haise fidgeted with his seatbelt. "About what happened yesterday."

If he hadn't known his best friend for so long, Haise wouldn't have noticed. As it was, he saw the almost imperceptible tensing of Hide's hands on the wheel. The blond schooled his expression into an unreadable one. "Can't have your pretty face getting a shiner, can I?"

Haise frowned and looked away, biting back sharp words. _That wasn't what I meant, and you know it._ He took a breath, but before he could say anything at all, Hide was pulling into a parking space.

If Hide threw the car door open a little too quickly, well, there wasn't much Haise could say about it.

 _Maybe I am looking too deep into it..._ Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that Hide was hiding something.

They went about their business shopping. Haise picked up the things needed for dinner. Since Hide had given him a ride, and he knew his dad wouldn't mind, Haise asked the blond if he wanted some chips.

"I'm always a slut for Doritos!" Hide replied. The other people in the store gave them weird looks. Haise groaned and buried his face in his hands for a moment, waiting for the secondhand embarrassment to fade. He grabbed a small bag of cool ranch chips off the shelf, and almost dropped them when his phone vibrated in his pocket.

The caller ID told him it was Touka. Haise furrowed his eyebrows. He had hoped to be the one to call Touka first, in order to apologize. He answered the phone.

The seventeen year old heard her mumble something along the lines of " _I'm just gonna get this over with,_ " before hearing movement as if she was shifting the phone to hold it between her ear and shoulder. " _I was an ass, and I shouldn't have tried to hit you. Sorry._ "

Touka was the kind of person who giving or receiving apologies. Less because of her pride, although Haise was sure that was a factor, and more because of how awkward they were.

"It's my fault. I didn't know about Yoriko, but I shouldn't have--"

" _It's not about whose fault it is._ "

"You're right." It definitely wasn't the first time he had said that to Touka. "Okay. Just... I'm sorry for upsetting you."

Hide shuffled over to dump something in the basket. He tilted his head at the phone, and Haise mouthed, _Touka._ Hide nodded. Nonverbal communication was something that came naturally to them after years of being best friends.

" _Apology accepted, or something._ "

Haise raised his eyebrows. He could hear screaming in the background. Someone was yelling, " _Do you wanna fucking fight?! Fight me! I'll kick your— oh god no don't come any closer, I was just kidding— oh SHIT TOUKA HELP!_ "

" _Ugh, I have to go,_ " Touka said. " _The big baby is losing his shit again, I think there's a cockroach in his room._ "

Haise laughed, easily imagining Ayato cowering on his bed screeching obscenities at a cockroach on the floor. He said goodbye, and Touka hung up.

After checking out, Hide and Haise made their way back to the car. When the blond opened the trunk to put the bags inside, Haise paused.

"You still haven't gotten rid of all this?"

Hide scratched his cheek and looked away. "No, we haven't found somewhere else to put it."

Several months ago, Hide had put a bunch of junk in the back of his car. Among the junk were things like a strange looking board- maybe it was for chess- a recording device and walkie talkies. When Haise asked his friend about it, Hide had said that it was stuff he was holding for his parents. 

Haise wondered why they hadn't just sold it, but he supposed it wasn't that important. Maybe the stuff held sentimental value.

The two took the groceries up to the front. Haise held some of the bags in his lap, and put the rest at his feet. Hide started the car and they took off. The earlier subject had slipped from Haise's mind. The blond turned on some music, sometimes singing along to it. Hide didn't know more than basic English, though, so a lot of it was passionately mumbled. Haise didn't mind. His best friend's voice wasn't bad.

Haise held onto the groceries to keep them from spilling out of the bag. Eventually, when Hide was pulling into the driveway to the other boy's house, he let go of them to rest his hand on the seatbelt buckle. It was too soon.

A cat shot out in front of the car. Hide slammed on the brakes, and both of them jolted back with the force of it.

"Holy shit." Hide breathed a sigh when he saw the cat run into the grass, unharmed. Haise hadn't even known there were any strays around his house. The blond parked, this time especially cautious. He turned to Haise.

"Ah, you've got... Here, let me—" 

_Oh._ Hide's hand was between his legs. The backs of his fingers brushed against Haise's thigh. He grabbed something, and then his hand was pulling away too soon.

Dazed, Haise turned to look at Hide. The blond was holding up a packet of seasoning.

"U-uh! Sorry, I didn't mean— I was just trying to grab... the thing. I mean, the seasoning! Not... your thing. I'm shutting up now." Hide's face was flushed to the tips of his ears. He hurriedly shoved the seasoning back at Haise.

Haise took the packet and looked at the label. It was ochazuke* seasoning. So, of course, he opened his mouth and blurted the first thing to came to mind. "That was a little ochazu _gay_ , Hide."

Hide stared, his lips quirking up. "Did you just..."

Haise ducked his head and blushed. The sound of Hide's soft laughter filling the car, though, made it worth it.

When the other boy's laughter abated, he asked, "Do you want to have dinner with us?"

"Can't tonight, I've got a few things to do with Ayato and Touka." Hide sighed and shot a wistful look at Haise's house. "Tell your cooking that I love it."

Haise snickered. He shifted in his seat to pull his friend into a hug. Hide smelled nice, he was warm, and his breath tickled Haise's ear when he spoke. "You should sleep over tomorrow."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Mom and Dad are out of town for a few days. I graciously promised not to burn the house down... as long as I get to have you over." Hide's grin was cheeky.

Spending the weekend at Hide's house... it sounded nice, and Haise was almost certain his parents would let him. "I'll ask."

"Text me tomorrow and let me know."

Haise pulled away with great reluctance. He grabbed the groceries and headed inside with purpose.

After all, he had something important to do after dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ochazuke is a japanese rice dish with seasoning. you can buy like instant packets of the seasoning
> 
> i feel like this chapter sucks, i'm not satisfied with most of it, but i've delayed posting it long enough already.  
> also i'm so sorry somehow i wind up putting memes in every multi-chaptered fic i write


	4. Chapter 4

It was some time after eight in the evening when Haise excused himself from the table. With a touch of his fingers to his chin, he claimed he was tired and needed a shower. The latter was true, but the seventeen year old was wide awake. He headed to the upstairs bathroom, grabbing a towel from the closet on the way.

Haise's nerves were on edge as he closed the bathroom door behind him. He stared at the mirror for a moment, half expecting words to appear there. But of course none did, so he shook his head, undressed, and stepped into the shower.

He wasn't quite going to enact his actual plan yet, but Haise did want to try something. He copied what he had done the first time the ghost... he didn't know what to call it. Haunted him? Appeared? Showed signs of being there?

The third year student leaned against the wall, closed his eyes, and poured body wash in his hand. He opened his eyes, and it was still clear rather than red. 

Haise shrugged, feeling an odd mixture of disappointment and relief. It was probably a stupid idea, anyway. If he was going to talk to this 'White Lady' then he would rather not be naked. He turned the heat up and let the hot water cascade down his back. He breathed a sigh, and began pondering over what he would say if he succeeded. 

The main thing Haise wanted to know was... _Is someone really going to die?_ It was information off the web and that meant he had to take it with a grain- no, an entire _shaker_ of salt, but he wanted to be sure. He couldn't lose them. He couldn't lose any of his family.

After his shower, Haise headed to his room. He sat on his bed and rummaged through his drawers until his fingers seized upon the ringed edges of a notebook. A soft tearing noise sounded before he was holding a thin, lined sheet of paper in his hands. The teenager drew an x on the paper, labeled its quadrants 'yes' and 'no' and laid two pencils over the x.

It would be a modified version of what Haise had found on the internet. He was hoping it would still work, despite changing the words he was supposed to say.

Haise licked his dry lips before parting them to speak, feeling slightly ridiculous. The thought of one of his siblings walking in and finding him doing this weighed heavy in his mind. What would they think if they found their respectable elder brother playing with superstitions? It was important, though. He had to do it. 

Haise mumbled, "White Lady, White Lady, are you there?"

Nothing. Haise cleared his throat and repeated himself, louder this time. The pencils didn't so much as twitch.

Finally, he pursed his lips and asked, "Is _anyone_ there?"

It was sickeningly silent. Haise dropped the notebook, paper and pencils on the floor where they fell with a clatter. He laid on his stomach and groaned into the nearest pillow. _This is stupid._ Really, he had more important things to do than this. He should've known it wouldn't work.

 _How do I even know that there's not something wrong with me?_ Haise thought. A nauseating feeling twisted at his insides. Haise remembered in bits and pieces when his parents first took him in, a flinching child with fearful eyes. Haise's younger self seemed far away now, a completely different person, but he recalled being a disturbed child. Rocking back and forth. Burying teddy-bears under the snow in the driveway. Hitting his head against the wall over and over, until Akira stopped him with kind, gentle hands.

Haise pulled the blankets over himself tightly, shivering. It was so cold.

He could remember, but it was like a hazy movie. Haise was watching from the outside. He didn't know why he was that way as a kid. It didn't really matter, anyway. He wasn't stupid, he knew something had happened before he was adopted... but as far as Haise was concerned there _was_ no before Akira, Koutarou, Tooru, Ginshi, Saiko, and... Kuki.

Haise remembered when he first met Kuki. Haise was crying weakly and aimlessly when he saw him. Standing in the doorway watching the commotion over the younger boy, eyes cold and calculating, holding himself high with his lips curled in a sneer. The first words he said were, "What's wrong with him? Make him shut up."

Kuki hated him at first. Haise was a newcomer he had to share his toys, his house, and, worst of all, his adoptive parents with. Kuki was rude, spiteful and cold to the younger boy. That never really changed, but he did seem to slowly grow fond of Haise underneath it all.

(Haise shot a wistful glance toward the empty bed in what was once their room. At least, he _thought_ Kuki was fond of him.)

Then, the kids came. Three young children huddled together, their eyes mistrustful. They clearly weren't siblings, with how different they were, yet they had an 'us against the world' kind of look to them. It wasn't surprising, given what they had been through. Saiko was sold by her financially struggling parents to a group of twisted people auctioning children. Ginshi was sold to that same group to pay for his sister's hospital bill. Tooru's family was murdered and they had kidnapped him. The three of them were held captive together. The police came, tipped off about the black market auction, and Tooru, Ginshi and Saiko refused to be separated. 

Haise remembered years later having a conversation with his parents. Akira and Koutarou admitted they had never planned for so many children. In fact, they were actually gaining somewhat of a reputation among their fellow police officers for 'taking in strays' (though they assured Haise they didn't care and could never think of him or his siblings that way.) But those three were a packaged deal.

The three of them were thick as thieves in the beginning, sticking close and whispering among each other. They barely spoke to Kuki or Haise, until they found out that the two were like them. Unwanted. Broken.

Watching over those kids... it gave Haise a purpose. He did everything he could for them. He helped Tooru tell their parents that he wanted to live as a boy. He gave Saiko the affection and attention she deserved. He became the friend, mentor and brother that Ginshi needed. And when the three of them cried out in the night, quaking from awful nightmares, Haise was always the first to get to them and wrap them up in his small arms and large heart.

It felt like atonement. Like Haise had failed in some regard that he no longer knew, and he could make up for it by being a good brother to them.

Haise buried his face in his pillow, eyes falling shut. His thoughts were becoming more dream-like flashes in his mind. The blankets were warm and thick, dragging him down. His eyelids were weights. It couldn't hurt to just rest... for a bit...

*

Cold fingers carding through his hair. Lips pressed to the top of his head. The air wasn't trembling with fear, this time. It felt like sadness, regret, longing.

For an odd moment, Haise almost thought it was snow trickling down his back. Then he realized it was lips and icy breath. _Oh,_ he thought, hazy and calm and strangely certain, _it's the ghost._ He sighed and nuzzled further into the pillow. _Safe._ That was all he could think as each knob on his spine was kissed down. 

Two garbled syllables were muttered against Haise's skin over and over again.

"-̃̔̾ͧ̔͑ͭ͘ -̓̓̐.̄ͫ.̓.̈́ͪ̓͂ ̢ͦ̀̓ͬͭ͛̈́-̽ͣͨͨ -̿͡..ͭ͘.͌͊̇̽"

Haise felt slow arousal pooling downward. The ghost's fingers traced freezing circles over his skin, aimless but affectionate. The touch felt comforting, familiar, though it was flickering and glitchy, as if it was fading in and out of existence. There were faint warning bells in the back of Haise's mind, yet all he could think was that he was safe. Why wouldn't he be? This was home. _He_ would take care of Haise.

Arms wrapped around Haise's waist, slipping between his torso and the mattress, but this time it felt right. He was comfortable. He didn't want the ghost to leave.

The ghost seemed to ask something. The static took on an almost questioning tone. 

"-̴̃̈́̿͊̋ͤͪ-̨̋̇̏͊.̃̊̽ͪ̓͛̕.͟.̊ͦͩ̒͒̚ ̀-̃͐ͥ̀̋͠-̐͐͋̆͗̚͞.ͯͮ͐̾ͨͯ͐.͑͐̓.ͫ̀-̸-͛-̶ͯ͐ͧ͋ͩ-̾ͦ ̸͗̃-ͮ̀ͤ͛̅̔̿-͌͋ͤ̉̆̿͜-̾̍ͭͣ ̒-͞-ͪ̊͞-̊̀̎̊͆ͦ-̴̽ͪ͛̎̈͊̆ ̓̕-̽ͯͮ̂̈́̀-̴͐̀͒ͬ ̛̽ͪ̋ͣ̊-ͣ͒̅͗̏ͦ-ͥ̍ͭ͐̾́͊-̢ͣ-̢͑ͦ̇͑-ͮͯͮ͛̄ͩ̑҉ ?̂ͣ"

Haise blinked. Still half-asleep, he slurred out, "Yes...?" hoping it was the right answer.

The breath trailed up to the side of his neck. Then, pain. Something- no, _teeth_ dug into his neck, sharp and stinging and relentless until Haise felt something warm and wet trickling down. He shouted from the pain.

Haise was wide awake, now.

What Haise thought was the ghost's tongue pressed into the wound, painful but soothingly cold. Then the pressure was gone, as well as the embrace. Haise hissed and clapped a hand to the bite on his neck. He sat up and whirled around.

There he was. The ghost. He- Haise could definitely tell that it was a he, now, seemed more solid now than the blurry figure Haise had seen before. The ghost was pale and his hair was white as snow. His chin was smeared with Haise's blood. Aside from the white hair, he looked shockingly similar to Haise, but maybe a few years older. He was dressed in a suit. 

The ghost spoke, but this time, it was clear rather than garbled. It was as if he had gotten stronger. More real. "Why did you leave me, 'Haise'?"

Haise's door banged open.

"Aniki! What happened?" Ginshi shouted from the doorway. Haise clapped his hand tighter over his neck, casting wide, frightened eyes to the ghost- no, where the ghost had been. 

He was gone.

"G-Ginshi, you know you're supposed to knock," Haise muttered with a frown.

"But I heard you yell."

"It's nothing, I stubbed my toe. Go back to bed."

Ginshi looked Haise over. He obviously didn't believe his older brother, he still seemed worried and skeptical. "You... you know you can talk to me, right? I'm your brother."

Haise swallowed. _Have I really been that obvious?_ "I'm sorry. Exams are coming up, and I'm preparing for college, and I- I miss Kuki. I'm just stressed, I didn't mean to worry you." It wasn't a lie. Not really.

Ginshi's fists clenched at their brother's name. "I'm gonna punch that bastard next time I see him." 

Haise smiled, but it was weak and sad. "For once, I'm almost with you on that." It wasn't true. He wished he could just drown his sadness in fury, like Ginshi did. In truth, if he saw Kuki again, he'd probably just ask _why._

Gradually unclenching his fists, Ginshi said, "Aniki. Don't shut us out, okay? Don't become like him."

Haise's eyes widened. Before he could say anything, Ginshi turned and left. The door clicked shut.

The ghost didn't return.

Haise pulled his hand away from his throbbing neck and stared at the blood on his palm. He had encountered the ghost, just like he wanted. But somehow... he was only left with more questions, and no answers.


	5. Chapter 5

Hide sat stiff against his pillows, phone clutched to his ear, lamp light casting shadows on his hand fisted in the sheets. His sorrowful, weary eyes were locked on a picture frame resting on the bedside table. The glass was smudged with caressing finger-prints and past tears, yet the photo inside was pristine.

_I'll have to find somewhere for that tomorrow,_ Hide resolved. _K―... Haise will be here tomorrow._ He winced at the almost imperceptible mistake. Crap, he hadn't messed up like that in years. Maybe the nostalgia of telling Touka about these things was finally getting to him.

Speaking of which...

" _So? Wh' the hell are you callin' me for at,_ " a tired voice slurred, then paused. " _One in the goddamn morning? If this is a booty call, I swear..._ "

"Sorry, sorry, Touka-chan," Hide forced a laugh. "You remember what we were talking about in the park, before Ayato-kun came?"

" _Yeah. He really talked our ears off about 'leaving him to babysit Haise'. Ayato just doesn't want to admit he's squishy on the inside,_ " Touka scoffed. She went silent, and when she spoke again, her tone was somber. " _So? What about it?_ "

"I just thought it'd be rude to leave a lady hanging." The words were playful, yet Hide's tone was questioning. 

" _Who're you calling a lady?_ " Touka muttered. " _If you want to finish telling me, then do it. Hell knows you could've done it at a reasonable hour, though._ "

"I wasn't sure if you wanted to know the rest of the story. It's pretty depressing."

" _What's depressing is that you've had to carry this for so long,_ " Touka's voice had gone soft. " _You must be lonely._ "

Hide felt the words like a punch to the gut. She wasn't wrong. He was lonely, and afraid, and tired. But he had to keep going. For Haise's sake. And for... _his_ sake.

" _I just wish I'd known. I'm really an idiot. I was so ready to hurt Haise, and for something stupid at that._ " 

"Self doubt doesn't suit you, Touka-chan. He forgave you, right?"

" _Right..._ "

"Then it's fine." Hide waved his hand, forgetting for a moment that Touka couldn't see it. "So? You gonna let me start?"

" _My bad, you just sounded like you wanted to have a heart to heart. I just thought it'd be rude to leave a lady hanging._ "

Hide snickered. Through the phone pressed to his ear, he could hear Touka shifting to get comfortable. Then, she gave him the go ahead.

Hide relaxed, his head hitting the pillows. He was going to be talking for a while, after all. He cradled the phone to his ear and let his eyes fall shut. Images flickered to his mind, of better times and worse times and _him._

At times like these, _bittersweet_ was always, always the word to come to Hide's mind.

"So, not long after his little brother was born..."

*

"You look like shit," Haise said as soon as Hide opened the door. It was true, the blond had mussed hair and dark circles under his eyes, and was he... swaying? Haise wondered just how late he stayed up the previous night.

 _Well,_ Haise thought dryly, _his night probably wasn't as interesting as mine._

"Nice to see you too," Hide grinned. His fingers wrapped around Haise's wrist where it was still hovering from ringing the doorbell. Haise lurched forward as the blond pulled him into a hug. His cheek was warm where it pressed to Hide's shoulder. 

Distracted by the close contact, Haise didn't notice Hide sliding the strap down his shoulder until he was suddenly free of the extra weight. Hide stepped back, Haise's sleepover bag in hand.

"You don't have to," Haise said out of habit.

"Yeah, yeah. Just come in." Hide turned and stepped inside, leaving Haise to follow. Haise shut the front door behind him and toed his shoes off.

Haise had been there many times, but he swore that Hide's house looked different every time he came there. He and his family were always moving things. Unpacking boxes of old possessions, or packing them away, or rearranging furniture and pictures. Still, the house was comforting and homely. It was strangely silent without Hide's parents around, busying around the home and filling it with lively chatter.

Past the foyer, Haise stepped into the living room and saw a vase on the table filled with gardenias. He followed Hide to his room. 

Hide's room was the room Haise knew best in the house. The walls were filled with posters, bright ones of musicians and shows. There was a small bookshelf in a corner filled with comics and a few DVD cases. Next to the bookshelf was a window that Hide usually kept open, bringing in sunlight and fresh air. His bed, covered with a bright yellow blanket, was neatly made. Haise stopped short at a new addition.

On a stand against the wall, there was a tank filled with dozens of goldfish, swimming through bright coral and hiding in rocks at the bottom. Haise's eyes widened and he walked over to get a better look at the fish. 

"When did you get them?"

"Just a week ago! Aren't they cute? Guess what I named them," Hide gushed.

Haise stared at the fish dubiously. There were a few distinct ones, ones that were larger or smaller or had more markings than the others, but for the most part they couldn't be told apart. How could Hide name the fish if they looked the same?

Hide started pointing to random fish. "This one is Hide Junior. That one is Hide Junior. That one's also Hide Junior."

Haise blinked, a smile tugging at his lips. "Are they all named Hide Junior? That's kind of _fishy._ "

Hide shook his head solemnly and pointed to a fish that, as far as Haise could tell, looked exactly the same as the others. Actually, he was pretty sure Hide had _just_ said that one was another Hide Junior. "No. This is Bob."

"Ah! A foreigner!"

Hide set Haise's bag at the foot of his bed. "By the way," he said casually, "Do you mind bunking with me tonight? The guest rooms are kinda filled with stuff right now. I could take the couch if you want."

Haise rubbed at his cheek, averting his eyes as he tried to stay calm. It was just a sleepover, something he'd done with Hide countless times since they were little. He didn't need to be weird about things now. "It's fine. With― with the bed, I mean. Both. Of us."

_So much for not being weird,_ Haise mentally groaned.

"Cool. Guess what I got," Hide said, either ignoring the tension in the air or oblivious to it. He sat on the bed and pulled out a bag from between the bed and the wall, dangling it on his finger and letting it sway back and forth― like baiting a cat, Haise thought amusedly when he noticed the label. The bag was from the local library.

Hide patted a spot next to him and Haise sat, peering at the bag's contents as Hide pulled them out. There were a few comic books, probably for Hide, and then a book from Haise's favorite author. Haise grinned widely and snatched the book up, practically vibrating in his excitement. He had wanted this book since he first heard of its release, but it had been on hold since it came to the library. Hide was amazing.

Haise opened the book to a random page and held it to his face, inhaling the comforting scent deeply. Hide choked on laughter.

"I knew you were a book addict, but I didn't think you'd actually snort them."

Haise ignored him, flopping back on the bed and thumbing back to the first page with anticipation. He easily shut out the rest of the world as he read, a talent he'd developed after years of practice. A few minutes in, he felt a weight on his chest and abdomen. He glanced down to see Hide, laying on his stomach with his feet in the air, using Haise to prop his elbows on as he flipped through comics.

Haise smiled, warm and tender and soft, the way he always smiled at Hide when he wasn't looking. This was the nice thing about spending time with his best friend. It was casual and carefree, they could sit in silence and enjoy it as much as when they talked. They had different interests and so they never felt the need to do the exact same things together. Instead, they just enjoyed each other's company.

And Haise wanted to ruin it. He had all of that with Hide, and yet he wanted _more._

Haise was jarred from his thoughts by a tap on his elbow. Wordlessly, Hide was offering him the counterpart to the earbud in his ear. Haise took it, letting the upbeat songs filter into his ear as he read. He wasn't as big on music as Hide was, but he liked it when the blond shared songs with him.

Haise lost track of time as he lost himself in the book, but what he thought was minutes later― maybe ten, maybe thirty, he heard soft, breathy snoring. He looked down to see Hide's head on his chest, eyes shut and his comic dropped somewhere off to the side. The blond looked serene. Haise fought back the urge to trace his thumb over Hide's parted lips.

With a sigh and a smile, Haise kept reading.

*

That night, after Haise brushed his teeth side-by-side with Hide and changed (domestic, domestic, _domestic,_ Haise's mind wouldn't stop chanting) they settled into bed. They talked aimlessly for some time then laid in silence, but Haise's thoughts were loud. Questions were weighing heavily on his mind.

It was better to keep it to himself, wasn't it? All of the things about ghosts and haunting... if anyone heard it they'd think Haise was insane. The thought of Hide doubting him made Haise frown, but he wasn't sure he could stand keeping this from his best friend. He was scared and uncertain and worried, and it was too heavy of a burden to carry. Haise had always been able to come to Hide for help and support, he couldn't stand not being able to this time.

Maybe if he tested the waters?

"Hey, Hide..." Haise said softly, waiting until he heard a questioning hum behind him. "Do you believe in ghosts?"

Silence. Hide sat up abruptly, and Haise turned over to face him, curious.

"Why?" Hide asked. Maybe Haise was imagining it, but his casual tone sounded forced. Was he avoiding the question?

For a moment, Haise considered lying, maybe making something up about a horror movie he watched or a research paper. Instead, he found the truth slipping out. "I-I've been... seeing things."

"Ghost things?" Hide raised his eyebrows.

Haise sat up to face Hide and nodded. "I know it sounds impossible. Just― please believe me, I'm not making this up―"

Hide held his hands up. "Whoa, whoa. I believe you."

"You..." Haise blinked, then smiled. "You do?"

He never should've doubted Hide.

Haise watched Hide rub his face, illuminated by the soft glow of the streetlamps through the window outside. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was pursing his lips. He seemed deep in thought. Or like he was composing his thoughts, maybe. The blond took a breath.

"I have something to tell you."


	6. Chapter 6

_"I just think this is kiddy stuff, that's all." a ten-year old Ayato Kirishima scowled, his pale face betraying him as he carefully kept his distance from the board in the middle of the hardwood floor._

_They were down in the basement of the Kirishima house, 'they' being Ayato, Touka and Hide. The basement was a dingy place. It was cold, empty of furniture, and lit only by a single dim, sputtering light. The walls were stained and it smelled like rotting wood. They weren't supposed to be down there― Arata always fussed about them getting sick from the mold. But Hide had insisted they sneak into the basement that day, holding a grin on his face and a package behind his back._

_"Chicken," Touka, thirteen, jeered._

_Hide, sitting cross-legged in front of the Ouija board, shrugged. "It's just an idea. It's weird hanging out without Haise here, I thought I'd bring the_ spirit _to the party."_

_"If you want to play it, whatever. It's not like we have anything better to do."_

_Hide whooped, having expected more resistance from Touka. He turned to Ayato. "So? Are we going to do this?"_

_Ayato looked back and forth between his sister and Hide. It wasn't like he_ had _to, they didn't need three or more players. Hide suspected that the younger boy would join in anyways. He was always trying to prove himself in front of his sister._

_"Fine!" Ayato threw his hands up and sat down in a huff. Touka resisted the urge to ruffle her little brother's hair as she settled beside him._

_"Don't worry so much, Ayato-kun," Hide assured, "Ghosts aren't real."_

_Ayato made a face that, if anyone asked, he would deny was a pout. Clearly he wasn't so sure, but he held his tongue._

_Hide opened the packaging and began setting up. "Okay, so we all touch this pointer thing." Hide directed the others to sit so that the board was balanced on all of their knees. Touka and Ayato were at the sides, facing each other, while Hide was at the front of the board. They all placed their middle and index fingers on the planchette, Ayato with great reluctance._

_"Are there any spirits here who would like to communicate?" Hide asked dramatically._

_Hide forced himself to keep a straight face as he schemed. Although he didn't really want to freak out Touka's kid brother― it was a little_ too _mean to scare a ten-year old― Hide wanted to see if he could frighten brusque, unflinching Touka. He'd come away with a story for Haise, to cheer his sick best friend up._

_After all, it wasn't like Hide really believed in ghosts. He was a practical kind of guy. He trusted what he saw with his own eyes, and when he didn't know something he figured it out. He didn't believe in gods or ghosts or anything he couldn't see for himself._

_So after a few moments of silence, he began subtly moving the pointer. Ayato looked like he was about to piss himself. Touka was unfazed._

_Hide moved the pointer to spell out 'UR NOT ALONE'. He kept a wide-eyed, innocent face the whole time, and read the letters out loud for the benefit of the others._

_"Very funny, Hide," Touka scoffed, and Ayato visibly relaxed. "Next time, maybe try spelling correctly."_

_Oops. Well, spelling wasn't Hide's strongest point._

_"I didn't do anything," Hide protested. "Maybe the ghost just can't spell. Don't be rude, Touka, or it'll get you."_

_Then, the one thing happened that Hide had expected the least._

_The planchette lurched under their fingers._

I... I didn't do that, _Hide thought. Was Touka trying to get him back? Was Ayato? It really wasn't like either of them. Hide was the prankster of the group._

_The planchette slowly moved back and forth to spell out 'GO AWAY'. It didn't stop there. It spelled out the angry message over and over again, faster and faster every time._

_"Can we stop? It was funny and all but I want to stop," Ayato said, voice high and thin. It wasn't him, Hide realized, and it wasn't Touka either. He had always been skilled at reading people. Their faces and body language were innocent._

_Hide felt like spider-legs were creeping down his back. This was wrong,_ no, _this wasn't how things were supposed to go. It was just a game._

_"I'm not doing it this time," Hide forced himself to speak past the brick in his shivery throat, the hint of his smile and his false innocence fading until he was somber. "I was at first, but I stopped. I swear."_

_The message changed to 'LEAVE'. Hide was overwhelmed by the feeling that there was something behind him, in the corner, lurking in the stairs, anywhere he couldn't see. Yet he couldn't look. His wide eyes were chained to the board. If he looked, it would become real._

_Touka seemed skeptical, but slowly Hide watched the realization dawn on her face that he was being serious._

_"What's― what's your name?" Touka asked, chewing her lip._

_The planchette began spelling out 'HIKARIHIKARIHIKARIHIKARIHIKARIHIKARI'. The blood slowly drained from both Touka's and Ayato's faces._

Hikari? _Hide wondered. He wasn't left wondering for long._

_"M-mom?" Ayato whispered, his shoulders shaking. "Is it you?"_

_The Kirishima siblings had lost their mother years ago. Hide had known about it vaguely, yet he had never known her name. Hide felt himself trembling. He had never meant for things to be like this. It was just a game._

_The planchette lurched back and forth between yes and no. Then, it spelled out a name Hide hadn't seen in years._

_The world dropped out from under his feet._

_"Who's that?" Touka seemed bewildered. "Hide, do you know who that is?"_

_Hide ground his teeth together. "That's not your mother. Whatever it is, it's messing with us."_

_Touka frowned. "What are you?"_

_'BEHIND YOU'._

**Dread.** _Crawling and squirming and all over his skin. Everything was badwrongno, all Hide could think was that he needed to get away._

_"We'll go, we'll leave―" Hide was unable to finish his sentence before the pointer was moving again. He tried to push it to 'goodbye', but it didn't budge at all. The planchette jerked to the number zero, then nine, and began counting down._

_Hide didn't know what it meant, but countdowns were never good. He shot a panicked look to Touka and Ayato. "Help me!"_

_Despite the combined efforts of all three of them to push the pointer, the invisible force behind it was too strong. "It's not fucking budging!" Touka shouted._

_The pointer was on three._

_"Okay, okay, uh..." Hide threw his hands up and raked them through his hair. Think, think,_ think! _Were they supposed to run? Try to break the board? He couldn't even believe this was happening, oh god―_

_Two. On―_

_Ayato flipped the board and scrambled backwards, and it landed upside-down. The planchette clattered on the wooden floor. The sound echoed, then silence overtook it. The three kids just looked at each other, silently wondering if that had really just happened. Hide breathed a trembling sigh of relief. They were safe. Whatever was going to happen, it was stopped._

_The lights went black._

_Someone was screaming, Hide didn't know if it was him or Touka or Ayato. The darkness felt thick and slimy, like it was dripping down his face. He had to get away, all he knew was he had to get away because it was close, so close. He was running, he didn't know how but suddenly his feet were on the stairs and then―_

_Hide tripped. His knees banged against the stairs and there was something touching him, ohgoditwasonhisankle―_

_The door at the top of the stairs opened. Light filtered through, and everything stopped. Hide blinked away the swarm of spiders on his skin, the haze of unadulterated terror in his head, and all that was left was fuzzy pain._

_"What's going on down―" Arata Kirishima sucked in a sharp breath when he opened the door to the blond boy with glass in his hair and blood dripping down his face._

_Touka and Ayato were found huddled in the corner of the basement clutching each other. Their faces were white and they were shaking so violently that their teeth chattered. What used to be the basement light was shattered, most of the pieces ending up on the boy who sat closest to it._

_Arata hardly noticed the Ouija board in the middle of the floor as he gathered the kids up. Despite the fact that neither Touka nor Ayato were hurt (Arata had frantically checked them over after applying first-aid to the Nagachika boy and calling his parents to take him to the hospital) they refused to speak over the next few hours. The most he could coax out of them were vague, confusing answers. Arata eventually just chalked it up to the shock of the faulty basement light exploding. He never thought that the light would burst like that. He even called professionals in to inspect it, and they were just as bemused as he was._

_For Arata, the incident was soon swept under the rug. But for Ayato, Touka and Hide, it was an event they could never forget. They discussed it in texts and hushed voices so many times. The consensus; yes, it had really happened. No, they shouldn't tell Haise, he wouldn't believe them. And... yes, ghosts existed._

_Because how else could they explain it?_

"―and so we decided we'd start hunting ghosts," Hide finished.

Haise blinked, and wondered if he was missing something. This was so much to take in. It had been years, and this was the first he was hearing about anything beyond an incident with a faulty light bulb. "You had a traumatic experience that put you in the hospital, and that... made you decide to repeat your actions again?"

"Well, when you put it that way." Hide laughed. He looked sheepish. "It's more like, after something like that, what else could we do? You can't just go on with life, knowing that ghosts exist, and not do _something_ with that knowledge."

Haise understood it, logically. He was just as afraid of Hide doubting him about something like ghosts. To be fair, he probably _wouldn't_ have believed them back then. But somehow it still hurt to know that his closest friends had kept something so big from him.

Hide laid back against the pillows, his arms behind his head. "We're still amateurs. It's not like anyone would hire a bunch of high school kids to hunt some ghosts for them. But when we're older, Ayato, Touka and I are going to start the CCG."

"CCG?"

"Commission of Counter Ghost," Hide grinned. Haise smiled despite himself. The name was awfully dramatic-sounding. Hide had come up with it, he was sure.

Hide's expression sobered. "So... you're not mad?"

Haise shook his head. It was true, really. He was mostly just disappointed in himself for not noticing even after _years._

Haise watched Hide exhale, the tension seeming to leave his friend's body. In the close quarters of the bed, he could smell the mint on Hide's breath. He didn't think he could be mad at the blond if he tried. Not with his fair hair haloed on the pillow and his shirt riding up, exposing a sliver of skin between shirt hem and underwear.

"Anyways, enough about me. Tell me about this ghost of yours."

So Haise did, leaving out a few choice parts. There was no way he was telling Hide about the whole 'interrupting his alone time' thing. Or what happened the previous night.

Hide looked troubled as Haise recounted some events and glossed over others. "Did you see what it looked like?"

Haise recalled the ghost's appearance. He wondered if he had imagined the uncanny similarity to himself. "He was wearing a white suit. Uh, and his hair was white."

Hide seemed to relax, shaking off whatever was bothering him. "Are you sure he didn't do anything? He didn't hurt you?"

Haise resisted the urge to touch the bandage around his neck covering the bite mark. He had told Hide earlier that Maris Stella had scratched him. 

_I should probably tell him, but..._ that might mean getting caught in the rest of his lie. And he really, really didn't need Hide thinking he was a necrophiliac.

"Why?" Haise settled for asking.

Hide held up three fingers and put them down one at a time. "From my research, I've found that they grow stronger in the physical world through three things. One, invitations or 'portals' such as Ouija boards. Two, blood. Three, sex."

Haise made a choking noise.

"Well, it doesn't matter if none of that happened. You should be pretty safe, I don't think you've got a malevolent ghost on your hands. Sounds like a job for the CCG, though!"

"What can you do?" Haise questioned.

"If we can talk to him, we can ask him to leave."

"And if that doesn't work?"

"Holy water will do the trick."

Haise nodded and pulled his knees to his chest. His head was spinning. It seemed so easy, to just get rid of the ghost like that. He still didn't even know why he was haunting him. 

"So, here's what I need you to do..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are much appreciated!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fyi there's sexual content in this chapter

Haise woke with an arm slung over his back, a knee between his legs, and an erection.

Pale gold light filtered through the window, leaving the room soft and smudged at the edges. Haise wondered if maybe he had gotten so used to sleeping at Hide's that he was waking up around when the blond did. Hide was a morning person, and liked to insist on dragging him out of bed right when the sun reared its ugly head and the birds screamed obscenities at it.

Whoever came up with Mondays was a twisted individual. Whoever came up with getting up early on the weekend, however, enjoyed the pastimes of punting puppies and burglaring from babies.

It was toasty under the blankets, curled up next to Hide. The heavy weight of sleep pressed down on him. He didn't want to get up, especially not to go douse himself in freezing water until his dick stopped being a dick. Haise was perfect right where he was.

Or he would have been, if it wasn't for the morning wood.

It wasn't fair. Haise wasn't even turned on, it was just kind of _there._ Annoying and uncomfortable and ruining his perfect morning in this perfect bed with (his, Haise's mind unhelpfully supplied) perfect Hide.

 _I should get up,_ Haise thought. He sighed against Hide's neck, then realized his lips were millimeters from his pulse point. The blond twitched and then for a half second his leg was moving deliciously between Haise's.

Right. So much for not being turned on.

 _I'm a pervert,_ Haise despaired internally, _Akira thought she raised a respectable young man, but I'm actually a pervert._

Well, he was going to at least be a respectable member of society by getting up. _Er... not getting up. getting out of bed._ Haise really needed to stop thinking.

Haise squirmed backwards as carefully as he could, but he only got as far as being face to face with the blond instead of tucked under his chin before his back hit a barrier; Hide's arm, which was reflexively tightening around him. Hide's face scrunched up for a moment. _Please don't wake up, please don't wake up._

Haise relaxed when Hide did. Except that then it wasn't helping, because Hide was Hide and Haise kind of really wanted to kiss his face. Hide's blond eyelashes were dipping over his freckled cheeks. His hair was sticking in every direction, fluffy and bright and smelling like shampoo. Haise wanted to touch it. But that was nothing new, considering Haise always wanted to touch Hide's hair. His arm― the one that wasn't around Haise― was curled under his head on the pillow. He looked like home.

Haise slowly and carefully tried to pry Hide's arm off and sit up. Soon, he was nearly free. As comfortable as he was, it was a relief. The ache between his legs was getting insistent. But just as he had almost extricated himself, Hide's arm pulled him back.

"Mmh," Hide's eyes opened, brown and bleary and _awake, why is he awake oh god,_ "Where're y' goin'?"

Hide's voice, tired and low and _right next to Haise's ear_ wasn't helping, either. He wondered just how half-asleep Hide was, that he apparently wasn't noticing Haise's... predicament.

"Bathroom," Haise choked out. Hide seemed to sleepily consider this. He shook his head.

Then, he leaned in and pressed his lips to Haise's.

It was a chaste kiss, just a soft press for a second, then two before Hide was pulling away.

 _Hide kissed me._ Haise's mind felt blank and melted. He wasn't sure of anything anymore, except that he couldn't hope. Any moment now the spell would break. Hide would realize he wasn't dreaming anymore about kissing someone who _wasn't Haise,_ because _why else_ would Hide kiss him?

But all that happened was Hide smiled soft and warm and leaned back in to peck him again, and again. Each brush of their mouths left Haise's lips tingling and his heart singing a dizzy song. He could only take so much before he was making a desperate little noise and crushing closer, turning the innocent kisses into something more open-mouthed and breathless.

Haise reached and finally, _finally_ ran his fingers through Hide's hair, sleep-mussed but still soft under his satiated hand. When Haise's palm settled against the back of Hide's neck and his thumb traced the curve of his jaw, the blond shivered.

Then their lips parted and they laid there, heads on a shared pillow, foreheads touching and breath mingling. Hide's face was flushed, and it made his freckles stand out fetchingly. Haise didn't know whether he wanted to look at his eyes or his lips.

And then one corner of Hide's mouth was smiling and he was crinkling his eyes all playful and finally pointing out, "You're hard," as if he hadn't noticed before. 

Haise was going to die, and on his gravestone the cause of death would be written 'Hideyoshi Nagachika'.

"Uh, yeah, but you don't have to do anything― I mean, not that you thought you had to do anything―?" Haise fumbled over his words and tried, for the third time, to squirm backwards.

"You don't have to go anywhere," Hide said, though he pulled his arm off Haise so that he was free to go if he wanted. He trailed his hand down the front of Haise's shirt to curl a finger in his waistband. "Can I?"

Haise was pretty sure his brain was short-circuiting. For a bizarre moment he almost blurted out _but the fish are watching._ Then he realized that he'd punt the fish to the moon before he let them ruin this. He nodded. "Yeah. Yes. Please."

He was probably going to ruin it with his own awkwardness before the fish ever could.

Haise always thought it'd go slower, when he imagined himself and Hide. He thought they'd kiss, and then there'd be dates, and then maybe months later they'd tumble into a candlelit bedroom and... yeah. (When he was seriously imagining a relationship, that was. When he was fantasizing, it was more along the lines of Hide bending him over any and every imaginable surface.) It was awfully cliché, but it wasn't like he had much to go on for how serious relationships worked out. He wasn't really expecting this, but it didn't matter. He trusted Hide.

So he let Hide tug his underwear down to be kicked somewhere off to the side. Haise shivered as the blond wrapped his fingers around his cock. _Oh. oh god, this is actually happening._ Hide rubbed his thumb at the head, using the precome gathered there to ease the way as he tentatively stroked.

Their faces were still close. Hide was watching where his arm disappeared under the blankets with his eyebrows furrowed and his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth, looking like he always did when he concentrated. It was kind of funny, because he was giving Haise a handjob with the intensity of someone playing buzz wire. But it was so _Hide_ that it was adorable. _Damn,_ Haise loved him.

Then Hide's eyes flickered up and he paused, cheeks going red. Haise could've whined at the loss. "Why're you laughing?" He mumbled.

Maybe Hide was just as nervous as he was, Haise realized. He cupped Hide's face and kissed him. "No reason. You're just really cute."

It was getting too hot under the blankets for Haise to stand, so he pushed them off. Then he slid his hand down and wrapped it around Hide's, tightening the blond's grip and showing him how to touch him.

"Hide, aah―" Haise breathed. The pace was better now, faster. He looked down, and watching Hide's hand around his cock had him twitching. The sight was almost obscene. "Can I touch you?"

Hide nodded almost desperately. Once the blond was divested of his underwear, Haise touched him. Hide made a noise that Haise decided he was going to mentally replay for the rest of his life. 

Haise tried to move his hand, and realized a problem. His and Hide's arms were in each other's way. So they just laid there, hands on each other's dicks, snickering like idiots.

"Hey," Hide said, when their laughter subsided, "Can I try something?"

"Go ahead."

Hide pushed Haise so that he was laying on his back. He straddled Haise's hips.

 _Oh,_ Haise thought blankly. He realized that he was one-hundred percent on board with anything that involved Hide on top of him. _This is... yes. Okay._

Hide put his hand around both of their cocks and stroked, and then Haise couldn't think at all. It was all heat and skin, friction and sparks behind Haise's eyes. Their hips were moving desperately and he didn't think they could keep a rhythm if they tried. Hide leaned down and they kissed, but it slowly devolved into something more like panting against each other's mouths.

Hide nudged his face into Haise's neck and _bit,_ and Haise moaned. So the blond did it again, and again, until Haise was pretty sure his neck was covered in marks. He didn't care. The sensation of Hide's lips and teeth and tongue on his neck was too good to pass up.

Haise's breath was coming hard and fast, every slide of Hide's cock on his had the heat in his body pooling hotter. 

"Hide..." Haise breathed. He put a hand at the back of the blond's head and coaxed him up so he could return the favor. He could feel Hide's pulse pounding in his neck where he bit. _Fuck,_ Haise thought dazedly, staring at the red mark he'd left. He'd wanted to do that for so long.

"Nnngh, Haise―" Hide _whimpered._ Haise was going to have jerk off material for _months._ Hide's pace was getting faster, erratic. "Close."

One last scrape of Haise's teeth over Hide's pulse point, one last thrust and Hide was coming, vulnerable and shuddering in Haise's arms. The most beautiful thing Haise had ever seen. He went limp for a moment, chest heaving and burying his face in Haise's shoulder. His hand was still and his come was warm and slick on Haise's cock. It was driving Haise insane.

But Hide sighed, low and content, and shifted back so he could jerk Haise off. Using his come as lube. _Oh god._ Haise fucked into Hide's hand, fast and desperate and breathless. The room was filled with filthy, slick noises. 

Blood was rushing in Haise's ears and he was burning and close, so close. Hide moved his hand just right and then he was coming, hard and desperate and so so good. Haise was drowning in bliss. 

When it was over Haise pulled Hide back down, ignoring the mess, and just held him. 

The afterglow didn't last for long.

Hide shifted out of Haise's hold and stood up, shrugging his shirt off and then getting dressed. He was brisk and business all of a sudden, nothing of the awkward, cute, caring Hide that Haise had known minutes before. He walked to the side of the bed and for a moment Haise hoped that maybe he'd lean down and kiss him, or confess that he wanted to be with him all this time.

Hide just held his hand out expectantly.

"What...?"

"My shirt," Hide said in a bored tone, gesturing to the sleeping shirt Haise had borrowed, "You got it dirty."

Haise stared at the blond in disbelief. He pulled the shirt off and shoved it at Hide, abruptly feeling cold inside.

Hide walked out with their shirts in hand. Haise exhaled shakily, wondering what was happening. Hide wouldn't― Hide wasn't the kind of person to use someone for sex. It wasn't possible. Maybe he was just imagining the coldness. Maybe Haise had misinterpreted something. He trusted Hide.

But as the morning progressed, Haise started to suspect more and more that he had been used.

When Haise got dressed and went out of the room, he found Hide in the kitchen, staring vacantly at a cup of coffee. When he saw Haise the blond smiled, but it wasn't right. The smile was cold.

"Oh, good, you're here. I was about to call Touka and Ayato to go over your ghost problem―"

"Hide," Haise said, voice small and unsure. "Aren't we going to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?"

"About― I mean, about us. What we just did."

Hide raised his eyebrows. He looked incredulous. "We had sex. What's there to talk about?"

Haise felt like he had been punched in the gut. It hurt, hearing Hide talk about it so callously. Hadn't it meant anything to him?

Haise's voice was almost a whisper. "I just thought―"

"You just thought what?" Hide interrupted, beginning to look annoyed. "That I'd sweep you off your feet, and we'd ride off into the sunset? It was just sex. Sorry if you didn't get the memo."

Haise went numb.

"I'm going home," he said. He gathered his things, put on his shoes, and left. He didn't look at Hide once.

*

Hide fucked up.

He fucked up when he kissed Haise. He fucked up when he had sex with him. He fucked up when he said those horrible, awful things, things that couldn't be less true.

But most of all, Hide fucked up when he fell in love with Haise.

Hide was scared when he first realized it. It wasn't like he didn't know that Haise loved him back. He would have had to be blind to not notice the way Haise looked at him. Like he was beautiful, like he was the only person in the world, like Hide was full of galaxies and just didn't know it yet. Hide was many things, but unobservant was not one of them. So he knew.

Haise wasn't as observant, though. He didn't know that Hide stayed awake staring at the phone some nights, wishing he could call and hear Haise's voice. He didn't know that Hide stole a drawing of himself from Haise's sketchbook and kept it just because it made him feel warm, to know that Haise saw him as the beautiful person he had put on that paper. He didn't know that Hide buttoned his shirts up wrong on purpose so that Haise would fix them. He didn't know that Hide loved him with everything he had.

The problem was the guilt. Hide was always wondering if _he_ would hate him, for loving Haise. If _he_ would be angry if he knew, that Hide could have what _he_ no longer could. Typical survivor's guilt, illogical but inescapable. Every time he almost gave in, almost said the _I love you's_ on the tip of his tongue or pressed his lips to Haise's, he thought of _him_ and stopped. He couldn't. He just couldn't.

But half-asleep in his own little world of blankets and morning light and Haise, Hide hadn't stopped. And when it caught up with him, he couldn't stand it. So he pushed Haise away like a little kid hiding the evidence of his mistakes. He did it harshly and cruelly and only when Haise was shutting the door did he realize that he had made a worse mistake.

The worst part was the look on Haise's face. Like Hide had shattered everything around him. He wasn't even angry, he didn't stomp or shout or slam the door. He was just... broken.

Laying in bed curled up with his face pressed into the sheets that smelled like Haise, Hide kind of hated himself then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i'm expecting people to scream and throw blunt objects at me for this chapter


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe i haven't updated this fic since _last year!_ you guys must be so mad ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

_I should get up,_ Haise thought, staring up at the ceiling without taking it in. He made no move to stand.

Haise had crept back inside his home early that morning, the house empty and quiet with everyone sleeping. He should have started breakfast then, as usual. He should have showered and woken up the kids and helped around with whatever he was needed for.

Instead, Haise crawled into bed and laid there, watching the numbers on his alarm clock change. He wished he could manage to get up. He wished that morning had never happened. It seemed far away, like it had happened to a different person. His one salvation was that he felt nothing. No anger, no sadness, no hurt. Just emptiness, as if Haise was too exhausted to even feel, let alone get up.

It was fine. Haise didn't want to feel anything. He wanted to forget.

So Haise watched the hours tick by. Eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. he wondered if he could stay in bed for the rest of the day, the rest of the week, the rest of his life. Nothing really mattered, and the world would go on without him. All he wanted to do was lay there.

From downstairs came the sound of voices and laughter and clinking dishes. It was lunchtime, but it wasn't like Haise was hungry.

12:47, and someone knocked on Haise's door. Two knocks, soft and hesitant. Either Tooru or Koutarou, Haise decided. He threw an arm over his eyes and wondered how well he could pretend to be asleep.

Haise didn't answer. The door opened.

"Haise?" Tooru called. Silence, then footsteps coming closer. "I know you're not asleep..."

The answer was not very well, apparently. Haise lifted his arm, which felt like lead, and forced a smile. Tooru was standing by his bed holding a plate.

"I brought you food. Are you not feeling well? Everyone was worried when you didn't come down for lunch." The concern in Tooru's voice stung.

"Yeah. I caught a cold or something." Haise touched his hand to his chin and faked a cough.

Tooru frowned. Haise's adopted brother examined him with eyes that seemed far too perceptive. Then, he shook his head. "I refuse. I don't know what's wrong, but you've been there for Saiko, Ginshi and I too many times for me to not return it. I'm sorry, but I refuse to let you wallow while you shut us all out. I'll be right back."

Haise was left stunned as Tooru placed the plate in his lap and turned to walk out the door briskly.

Minutes later Tooru returned with a mug in his hand and his siblings in tow. Saiko practically flung herself at Haise, wrapping her arms around his neck and starting up an immediate chatter of "Why are you sad? What's wrong? Did something happen? Did you and Hide-san have a fight?"

Haise flinched at that last part. To his relief, Ginshi pried Saiko off with a gentle, "Hey, give Aniki some space."

"Sorry, Nii-chan," Saiko said, guilt showing on her face as she fidgeted with the hem of her shirt.

"You don't have to talk if you don't want to," Tooru said, pushing the warm mug into Haise's hands. Haise sniffed at it, and concluded that it was hot chocolate. "But at least let us keep you company."

Haise stared into the cup and felt both his hands and his heart grow warmer. 

"Okay," he whispered.

Tooru must've somehow known that Haise needed a distraction, because he pulled a book off his brother's shelf and smiled. "Read to us?"

He hadn't read to them since they were much younger. It was like old times, Tooru and Ginshi on either side of Haise while Saiko sprawled across their laps. It was a tight fit with all four of them on the bed, but they managed. Haise silently thanked that Tooru had chosen a book that was light in tone, rather than one of the horror stories Haise so frequently read.

Haise read the story to his enraptured siblings. He welcomed the distraction. It was all too easy to slip into his reading voice and lose himself in the characters. In between chapters he took breaks to sip the hot chocolate and eat the food Tooru brought, although his appetite was still diminished.

A quarter of the way through the story, at the end of a chapter, Saiko asked, "Are those hickeys, Nii-chan?"

Haise clapped a hand over his neck, eyes going wide and round. He forgot. He couldn't believe he forgot. He opened his mouth to say something like, _No, Saiko, I've contracted a strange disease,_ or _When a person and a person love each other very much―_ but he quickly shut it. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't keep thinking of his siblings as little kids anymore. They weren't even that much younger than him.

Ginshi's words from before came back to Haise. _Don't shut us out._

"Yes." Haise exhaled, and told them what had happened with Hide. At the end of his tale, he laughed self-deprecatingly. "It's pretty dramatic of me to act like this, huh? It's― _it was_ just a crush."

"Nii-chan..." Saiko's eyes glistened, and Haise internally panicked. He hadn't meant to make her cry. "That's not true! All of us know how much you love Hide-san."

"Was I that obvious?" Haise cringed. All of that time trying to keep it a secret, and they already knew?

"No offense, Aniki, but most people could take one look at you two and say 'damn, they're gay.'"

"Language," Haise said.

"I can't believe Hide-san would act like that," Tooru said. "It just doesn't sound like him."

"I'll kick his ass next time I see him. No one messes with our Aniki."

" _Language,_ " Haise repeated, resisting a smile. Even after all that had happened the last thing Haise wanted was for Hide to get hurt, but he knew that was just Ginshi's way of showing support. Haise's smile soon dropped. "It wasn't entirely Hide's fault. He was right, I shouldn't have assumed that... it... meant anything."

Tooru shook his head. "That's true, but if Hide-san wanted a one-night stand, there were better people to do that with than his closest friend. If I were him, I would value our friendship more than that."

"So he's lying!" Saiko interjected. Her fists were clenched, her jaw was set and her eyes were shining. She looked as passionate as she would be giving a speech at an anime con. "It's just like one of my BL games. Hide-san knows it did mean something, but something is holding him back! Maybe he's afraid of losing your closeness if you date! Or maybe he's involved with some bad stuff, and he doesn't want you involved!" Saiko was practically squealing by the time she finished talking.

"Bad stuff?" Haise repeated with a raised eyebrow.

"The mafia," Saiko stage whispered. "Or he's a vampire."

Haise chuckled and patted Saiko on the head. "I appreciate it, but Hide definitely isn't a vampire. Or in the mafia."

"I think you should talk to him," Tooru suggested. "You're never going to know why he said or did those things, if you don't ask."

The thought of talking to Hide made Haise want to run and hide. He didn't know how to face him after that morning's rejection. What if Saiko was wrong, and Hide really wasn't lying? Would he be disgusted by Haise's feelings for him?

_I think we should stop being friends,_ Haise imagined Hide saying. It felt like a knife in his chest being messily twisted.

"You're right," Haise said. Just because Tooru was right, didn't mean he would follow that advice. He gave an uneasy smile and picked the book back up. "But enough of that. What do you say we continue?"

*

Halfway through the book, it was late afternoon and Ginshi was snoring on Haise's shoulder while Saiko drooled on his lap. Haise and Tooru shared smiles. Haise set the book aside.

"Will you cut my hair?" Tooru asked, voice quiet so he didn't wake the others. Haise glanced at his brother's hair. It was getting kind of long. Haise wriggled out from under the two sleeping teenagers. He opened a drawer, one of the ones that mostly held his drawing supplies, and withdrew a pair of sharp scissors. Haise was the one who gave his siblings haircuts. It was cheaper and more comfortable than going to a salon, and he was better at it than his parents.

Tooru followed Haise to the bathroom, bringing a chair. He sat down. Haise wrapped a towel around his brother's shoulders and set to work.

"Any word from Kuki?"

Tooru was the only one who knew just how often Haise called and texted their older brother. Haise shook his head. "I'll keep trying."

Tooru chewed his lip. "It's not your fault, you know..."

Haise froze. He waited until his voice was steady before answering, "It is. He left because of me."

"He left because he's stubborn and still suffering after his father's passing," Tooru insisted. "He just happened to take it out on you."

Haise paused and buried his face in his hands for a moment. He whispered, "I just hate it. I don't know if I'll ever see him again, all because of some _stupid_ argument."

It started with Kuki expressing that he wanted to join the police force and follow in the footsteps of his late father, a great man who had met his fate protecting his coworkers on the job. Haise tried to be supportive, he really did. But the thought of having one more family member whose life was often in danger _terrified_ him. He thought of all the times Akira or Koutarou were hospitalized, and he couldn't breathe. Kuki was more impulsive. The chances of him getting hurt were even higher.

So Haise tried his best to discourage Kuki. There had to be something else he wanted to pursue as a career, something safer.

It all came to a head when Haise found out that Kuki was going out on his own playing detective, 'getting experience'. He was using tracking chips on people he suspected in well-known unsolved cases. Digging his nose into drug deals. Leaving anonymous tips for the police. It was _insane._

Haise confronted him, and that was when the argument happened. Haise still played it over and over in his head sometimes, on nights when he couldn't sleep.

_"You're jealous,_ Sasaki, _" Kuki sneered, hands fisted in the collar of Haise's shirt. "I'm finally better than you at something, so you're trying to take it away?"_

_"What are you talking about?" Haise said, confused and hurt and angry. He grabbed Kuki's wrists with an iron grip._

_"Don't act like you don't know. You've always been the perfect one! Precious Haise, always getting what he wants because he's oh so sad and hurt." Kuki spat. His words were like venom. He shoved Haise against the wall._

_"I don't know what you mean. I just want you to stop this! You don't have to be exactly like him, you don't have to put yourself in danger―"_

_"He was my family!" Kuki shouted._

_"_ We're _your family!"_

What happened next hurt Haise the most to remember. 

_"Then I don't want to be," Kuki said, releasing his grip on Haise's shirt. His voice was ice. He gathered things from his room, ignoring Haise's pleading, and stormed out. The door slammed. The heavy silence afterward felt like a condemnation._

That was the last time Haise saw Kuki. He had waited for hours for him to come back, but he never did. A day later, Haise received a text. All it said was, _I'm not coming back. Don't look for me._ There was nothing any of them could do. Kuki was eighteen, it wasn't like he was a child running away from home.

Haise called and texted and called and texted, but never got an answer. He told Kuki so many things: _I'm sorry. You're being an idiot. I miss you. The kids miss you. Mom and Dad miss you. Was it worth it? At least tell me you're safe. I don't care if you hate me, at least talk to them. How could you do this to them? They've already lost enough. Come home. Come home. Come home._

They got used to it after time, got used to one less plate at the table, one less voice in the house, _one less._ Yet it was still hurting all of them.

Haise finished cutting Tooru's hair. He put his hands on his younger brother's shoulders.

"I'll keep trying," Haise promised again.

*

That night, Haise pressed his ear to his phone and listened to the all-too-familiar sound. He closed his eyes, thought about what he wanted to say this time. Even if there was the tiniest seed of hope inside him, he knew that it would go to voicemail. It always did.

Haise listened to the ringing drone on.

_Click._

Haise's eyes widened. Did he really hear that? Was he imagining it? He barely managed to keep from shouting. "Kuki?"

There was no response, but Haise thought he heard soft breathing on the other end.

"Kuki, are you there?" Still nothing. Haise refused to lose his determination. "If you won't talk, that's fine. I can talk enough for both of us."

Haise listened to the quiet breaths. Even if Kuki was saying nothing, it was still comforting to know he was there. "Hey, do you remember when we were kids, and we had that fight over ranking? I made a game where we were in a squad. I was the mentor because I came up with it. You were squad leader at first because you were the oldest, but you were so mad when I demoted you and had Ginshi take your place." 

Haise chuckled at the reminiscing. He missed when they were just kids playing games. "You said some pretty harsh things, and Ginshi kicked you. I think I went to go cry, or something. But later, you came and apologized, and do you remember what you said?"

No answer. Haise continued on anyways. "You said, 'We're family. You're more important than a stupid ranking.' And then you coughed really loudly and pretended you didn't just say something embarrassing like that."

Haise's tone became solemn. "I want you to come home. I know I was wrong to try and hold you back like that, and I don't know how many times i need to say it but I'm _sorry._ I want to leave this all behind."

"I want my brother back, Kuki," Haise whispered.

The line went dead. Kuki hung up on him. Haise smiled; he was as rude as ever. 

Haise's hope was rekindled. It wasn't much, but it was a connection where there hadn't been one before.


	9. Chapter 9

It was dark. The world felt floaty and far away, the covers heavy on his contented body. Haise's chest rose and fell with even breaths. A pleasantly cool hand cupped his face. Soft breath ghosted over his pliant lips, something firmer brushed over them. Haise sighed, leaned his cheek into caressing fingers. He was being touched innocently, gently, kindly.

The lips and hand jerked away.

Haise blinked, looking blearily into eyes that he both recognized and didn't. That couldn't be the ghost. The ghost he knew had voided eyes, empty and almost mad. He was definitely dreaming. These eyes were abruptly alive, filled with clarity and guilt.

A cry spilled from the specter's lips, then another.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," the pale figure curled up on Haise's bed, stifling sobs in his knees. "I'm disgusting."

Haise put his hand on a pale, cold arm in what he hoped was a comforting manner. The sobbing slowly faded, but so did the sanity in those eyes. It was as if for a brief moment the heavy, dark grey clouds of his irises had drifted away to show the bright silver moons beneath. The moment had passed, and they were hidden again. Haise's heavy lids slipped shut. 

When he opened his eyes next, the figure was gone. Haise rolled over and went back to sleep.

*

That Monday morning, Haise stepped out from the shower and for a half-second didn't comprehend the message written in the condensation of the mirror. He _remembered_ that sloppy handwriting. He clutched his towel tighter around himself, eyes darting around the room.

Written on the mirror were numbers with the kanji for day, month and year between them. It was a date, Haise realized, but not one he recognized. The date written there would have been about a month from the current day, except that it was years ago. The only meaning Haise could think of was that it was the same year his adoptive parents took him in.

"What does that even mean?" Haise huffed. Why did he have to get stuck with such a vague, unhelpful ghost?

It was too early in the morning for riddles. Haise hesitated for a moment, then wiped at the mirror with his hand, smearing the writing into oblivion. He dressed and hurried out of the bathroom. The date probably didn't matter, he would be rid of the ghost soon. If nothing else, he could always ask Hide―

_Hide._ Haise both dreaded and anticipated the coming conversation with Hide. He _had_ to see the blond today, they always walked together. Haise both wanted to confront him, and felt his stomach drop at the thought of it. He wondered if he could get away with staying home (coward, he was always such a coward, running away rather than dealing with things,) but soon surrendered the notion. He had too many important things to cover in his classes.

At breakfast Haise barely touched his food. The cereal tasted like ashes in his mouth and he was unable to swallow past the stone in his throat. On top of that, his stomach had decided it was a good time to imitate a drunk driver.

While Ginshi and Saiko were supportive, they were also eying his mostly untouched plate like circling sharks. With a loving roll of his eyes, Haise pushed it over to the two. They started squabbling. Each had a hand on Haise's fork, Saiko was shoving at Ginshi's face, and Ginshi was elbowing her. Haise left it to Tooru to chart _those_ waters.

With his heart in his throat, Haise left for school, tossing a distracted goodbye over his shoulder. He was barely out the door before he checked his phone, the drunk driver that was his stomach crashing off a bridge to spin out of control and burst into flames.

_From: Sunshine_   
_i'm goin early i hav tutoring_

_From: Sunshine_   
_i'll c u (✿´꒳`)ﾉ_

All at once, Haise's stomach was calm again. He inspected the messages with furrowed brows, unsure whether to feel disappointed or relieved. Was Hide avoiding him?

Haise walked to school, the morning too quiet without his closest friend chattering beside him. They always walked together. Despite the deceivingly innocent messages, it felt like yet another rejection. Haise was confused, angry, afraid, the cocktail of emotions leaving him unprepared for the no doubt tiring day ahead. Was this how it was going to be, now? Would they keep up the front of being close friends on the surface, while underneath the layers they drifted apart?

(He didn't want Hide to be the one to push him away. Maybe it'd hurt less, if he did it himself.)

Haise shook his head, though there was no one around to see it. _No._ No, he was being stupid. Hide was telling the truth, he was sure. Exams were looming so tutoring was a good idea. He even said that he would see Haise. 

Hide would see Haise, and then they would talk, Haise decided, like mature adults.

*

They didn't talk like mature adults. They didn't talk at all.

At school, Haise's false bravado crumbled. He just couldn't do it. He avoided where they hung out in the morning, avoided the routes he took between bells to see Hide in the walkways, sat as far away as he could in any classes they had together.

_I'm a hypocrite._ Haise groaned into his arms, which were resting on a desk with his face buried in them. When he wondered if Hide was avoiding him, he was angry. _And look at me now._

Haise considered hiding in the bathroom at lunch, but his desire to see Touka and Ayato won out. So when the time came he forced himself to sit through the awkward air at the cafeteria table. It was quiet without the four of them joking easily. Touka and Ayato seemed to pick up on the tension. Their attempts to lighten the mood were met with distracted, one word answers.

Haise refused to look at Hide. Maybe if he pretended hard enough, the blond wouldn't be there. He wasn't ready, not when every glimpse of him brought memories of tousled sheets and pale window light and kisses.

He couldn't regret it, no matter how hard he tried to. 

Hide probably regretted it.

Haise resisted the urge to touch his neck, where he knew the marks were. They were hidden underneath the concealer that Saiko had lent him. He winced, thinking of how much his neck had suffered lately. First the ghost, then Hide...

Halfway through lunch, Touka's already irritated expression became even more pinched as the stilted conversation carried on.

"So, Hinami got a pet bird," Ayato tried, for the thousandth time, to break the silence. Haise wanted to take pity on him and help, he hated it just as much. But he was too distracted by Hide― or more specifically, trying to focus on anything but Hide― to manage more than meager replies.

_My shoelace is untied,_ Haise thought, staring down at his sneakers. He grasped for a shoe pun, but all he could think that his laces were like his composure, ragged and thin and coming undone. He wasn't sure if he could take sitting there any longer, next to sunshine and warmth when he was dark corners and cold and _not enough to love._

_Are you even feeling a thing?_ Haise wanted to ask. It probably didn't even matter to Hide. He was the one making a big deal out of it. He was the one avoiding Hide and not talking to him. 

"What kind of bird? Beak-cause toucan bet owl'd like to meet it." Haise said idly. The joke fell flat without him smiling as he said it. His heart wasn't in it.

Instead of laughing or retaliating like he normally would, as the biggest supporter of Haise's puns, Hide stayed silent.

"As _riveting_ as this conversation is," Touka interjected, "Hide told us the cat's out of the bag."

Haise blinked. "The CCG cat?"

"The CCG cat," she agreed. "He said you have a ghost problem, Haise?"

"Mm." Haise didn't want to talk about the ghost. He wanted to finish his food and hide in the library for the rest of lunch.

Ayato swallowed his mouthful of food, took another bite, then talked around it."What kind of ghost is it? Has it tried to attack you? Any telekinetic activity? Have you seen it?"

"Don't talk with your mouth full, idiot," Touka said. She turned to Haise. "What Ayato said."

Haise blinked. His head hurt. He raised his shoulders in a shrug. 

Touka narrowed her eyes and turned to Hide. "O...kay? Hide, want to elaborate on that?" The blond must have given a nonverbal answer as well, because Haise heard nothing.

Touka was frowning. She took a breath and folded her hands in her lap, eyes shutting for a moment. When she opened them again, she said in a reasonable tone like she used with Ayato when he was being stubborn, "Haise, you're in danger with a ghost around. The sooner we kick the fucker out, the better. I want to know what we'll do as soon as possible, and anything you can tell us will help."

Haise made a noncommittal noise. He was only half-listening, wishing that Touka would just text him later.

Touka slammed her hands down on the table.

Haise jumped at the loud noise. He turned wide eyes to Touka, who, judging by her gnashing teeth and white knuckles, had had enough.

"Look," Touka began, her voice low and heated, "I don't know what crawled up your two asses and died, and I don't give a damn. You will _not_ get in the way of my work. You're going to make up after whatever stupid fucking fight you had, or get over it enough that we can kick some ghost ass. Haise."

"Y-yes?" Haise flinched. _Touka is scary, sometimes._

"Tell me everything you know."

Haise's brain kicked into gear. His usual rational thinking cut through the fog, so he did. He told Touka about the encounter in the shower, the words written on the mirror that first time. He told her the safe for work version about feeling the ghost behind him and the ghost's static speech. He told her about glimpsing him in the window and his speculations about what type of ghost they were dealing with. He told her about seeing him for the first time, white hair, white formal wear, and around their age. He left out the event from that morning, deeming it unimportant.

Afterwards, Touka said, "Hide told me that his plan is for us to come when your family is away. When can you make that happen?"

"Tomorrow, I think. My parents will be working late and there's a movie in theaters that I've been planning to go see with the kids. I can send them after school and stay home 'sick'." _Lovesick,_ Haise thought internally. His siblings would believe it if he wanted to stay home and maybe eat ice cream, after yesterday. "That is, if you can do the... exorcism... within a couple of hours?"

"Two hours sounds plenty. We go in, find the ghost, ask it to leave, and if it doesn't we kick its ass." Ayato waved a hand. 

Touka added, "If your siblings come home early, we'll send Ayato to go play with them."

"Hey!"

Haise wondered what 'finding the ghost' entailed. He remembered his failed attempts to lure the spirit out and talk to him. Well, maybe not so failed, considering what Haise woke up to that night. The blood rushed to his face at the memory.

"Tomorrow Haise can text me when he's ready, then," Hide finally joined the conversation with a mumble. Haise dug his fingers into his thighs. "I'll pick you two up and drive over."

The bell rang. Haise watched as Hide walked off, without waving goodbye or slinging his arm around Haise's shoulders in a half-hug like normal. Haise gripped his shirt over the pang in his chest. The thing about avoiding Hide, Haise thought, was that he wanted him to put up a fight. Not just give in and accept it.

"Trouble in paradise?" Ayato asked as he stretched and yawned. His boots were on the table, a habit that Touka despised. He slid them off and caught up to his sister and friend. "Hey, you two could make up by angrily fucki―"

Touka elbowed Ayato in the side, hard.

Haise winced, imagining how that sentence would have ended. _Fucking,_ as Ayato put it, was what got them into this mess in the first place. He supposed he looked like a kicked puppy, because Touka's expression softened. 

"You'll work it out," Touka said.

Haise stared after Hide's retreating back. The blond was getting more and more distant.

He hoped so.

*

_4:25 AM._ Haise groaned as he awoke, the remnants of a rough and scratchy noise dying in his ears. It was part of his dream, he figured. Either that or the cat was begging at someone's door again. It had been a long and exhausting day, and he wanted to sleep as much as he could before another one started. He shut his eyes and tried to drift off again, but soon realized a dilemma.

The room was freezing. Haise was under his blankets, but still shivering. He burrowed in, pressed his icy toes to his slightly more lukewarm leg. It didn't help much. 

Haise looked across the room at the dark silhouette of Kuki's old bed, and an idea struck him. He stood, wincing and hissing. The wood under his feet felt like frostbite made into a floor. He stumbled to the other bed, stubbing his toes on everything in his path, and groped blindly for the old, unused blankets there. He carried them back and laid down. By then, his eyes had adjusted to the eerie darkness.

He turned to look at his bedside table and rubbed at his eyes. There were scissors sticking up like a tombstone, looking like they were balancing on nothing. Those were the scissors he used to cut Tooru's hair. _Didn't I leave them in the bathroom?_

Haise leaned over and took a closer look. Carved into the wood like a gaping wound was the same date as before, but the year was changed to the current one. The scissors were driven into the table at the end of another messily carved word.

_Soon._

Haise's blood turned to ice. He curled up, dragging the blankets over his ashen face like a spooked child. 

He spent the rest of the time until his alarm went off in a cold sweat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so we're actually pretty close to the end of the fanfic. after this there will be 2-3 chapters that wrap it up, and then an epilogue.  
> also i'm so sorry??? this chapter was like 90% haise angsting... someone needs to boop him with a rolled up newspaper so he can stop the melodrama.


	10. Chapter 10

It took a lot of convincing for Haise to get Tooru, Saiko and Ginshi to leave without him. They begged him to come with, saying that a day at the movies would help him. But with enough persistence (and, well, bribery) they finally left.

Haise collapsed on the couch, eyes darting at every shadow, every movement. He was all alone in the house. After the night before, he definitely didn't want to be. He thought of the scissors, still embedded in the table by his bed. He was too afraid to look at them, let alone move them. Just as easily, they could have been embedded in _him._

_―appears when someone in the family is going to die,_ Haise remembered the words he had read from the blue glow of his laptop screen. He shivered.

Haise forced his attention back to the phone in his hand.

_To: Sunshine_  
_I'm ready._

He hit send.

A blur bolted onto the living room table and past Haise, knocking over a snack box one of the kids had left out. Haise let out a strangled gasp. He backed into the couch cushion, phone slipping from his grip to land with a _crack_ on the floor. His eyes darted around, searching for some unseen attacker.

Haise heard a disgruntled meow come from the floor. He blinked down at Maris Stella. 

_I'm an idiot,_ he groaned internally. His lack of sleep was probably getting to him. He was terrified of a _cat._

"Stupid cat," Haise sighed. Maris Stella shot him a look like he was dirtier than the traces of used cat litter on her paws. He muttered an apology under his breath and reached down to stroke her.

Which was when he noticed that he had dropped his phone. Haise picked it up, and soon threw his head back against the couch cushion, glaring up at the ceiling. The screen was cracked. He was trying his hardest not to wallow, especially after explicit instructions from his siblings that he was not to be miserable while they were gone. But it was hard not to, when it seemed like he had the worst luck.

 _Luck, huh...?_ Haise looked down at the crack in the glass. He wasn't very superstitious, but that was a bad omen if he'd ever seen one.

*

Hide laid his forehead on the steering wheel of his car. He groaned and banged his head against the horn a few times. The honking wasn't as cathartic as he hoped it would be.

"I," Hide announced to thin air, "am the world's biggest idiot."

Hide waited a few seconds. The thin air didn't answer back― what was he expecting? He thunked his head back down again for good measure, then sat back up and looked at his phone. Haise's text was on his screen. 

_Right. I have a job to do._

Maybe if Hide was lucky, he would be the hero who saved Haise from the big bad ghost, and then Haise would swoon into his arms moaning "Oh, _Hide,_ you're my _hero,_ " and all would be forgiven―

Who was Hide kidding.

 _To: haisexy♥_  
_b ther in a few_

_To: haisexy♥_  
_keep ur spirits up_

He hoped that Haise would like the pun. It killed Hide, watching Haise avoid him and push him away, but after what he said and did Hide wanted to give him space. If Haise never wanted to talk to him again... it hurt like a bitch even just thinking about it, but he needed to respect that.

After all, Hide was the one who hurt Haise, when he'd promised to himself to _protect_ him.

Hide pocketed his phone and buckled his seatbelt. He started the car, and began the drive to the Kirishima house. He wondered about Haise's ghost. At lunch that day, Haise seemed scared out of his mind, and there were dark circles under his eyes. Something about scissors and a message, apparently.

Hide was ready to deal with a violent ghost if he needed to, but maybe Haise was just being paranoid. Sure, an ominous message made with scissors was pretty creepy (Hide would have to give the ghost props for the horror movie-ish behavior) but it didn't mean Haise was in danger. _Soon_ could mean anything from a weather forecast to the ghost planning to leave in the near future. Communicating clearly with the living was pretty tough stuff, or so Hide figured.

Haise mentioned a date as well, but the bell rang before anyone could ask. It was a shame, they could have looked it up to see if it was important.

Whatever the case, Hide had to admit he was nervous. Haise probably thought they had done this before, but when Hide said they were amateurs, he meant it. This was their first time trying to solve a ghost case; it wasn't like anyone would hire a bunch of high school kids. The CCG had done stuff like recording at cemeteries and visiting 'haunted' areas, but even that hadn't gotten them very far. Most of Hide's info came from online forums and famous ghost hunting groups (and, okay, maybe a few TV shows). At least this time, the three of them knew to be respectful.

Hide just hoped it went well.

At Ayato and Touka's house, Hide rang the doorbell and waited. As usual, he could hear shouting.

"Get the door, shitty Ayato!"

"I'm busy with Bunbun! You're closer."

"Who saved your ass from the cockroach last time?!"

A pause. Hide heard a loud, overdramatic sigh and then stomping. The door opened and Hide was face to face with Ayato, his bangs pushed back with a hairband, wearing immaculate eyeliner, holding a black rabbit in his arms. One of his arms was supporting Bunbun's torso and front paws, the other was holding her hindquarters. 

Hide eyed the rabbit and resisted the urge to pout. His parents wouldn't let him get any pets, besides fish. Their house was too messy to be rabbit safe. (Ayato wouldn't even let him pet her. The last time he tried, Ayato was all, " _Keep your grubby mitts off her, Nagachika._ ")

"Oh, it's you. Time to go?"

Hide grinned. "Ghostbusters, move out!"

Ayato looked unamused. "For the last time, you're banned from calling us the Ghostbusters. Who decided you were the leader anyway, asshole?"

Bunbun interrupted the conversation with a sudden sneezing fit. When it was over, she rubbed at her mouth with a paw. Ayato leaned his head down to coo at her and kiss her head. Hide fought to keep his snickers under control. It was the funniest thing, hearing Ayato speak in a baby voice and say things like "Who's a good girl? You are!"

Ayato lifted his head with his expression back to a straight face, as if the past minute had never happened. "We'll be out in a sec."

Ayato shut the door. When Hide saw him next he was stepping out with Touka, this time sans Bunbun.

"Shotgun," Ayato said.

"Not if I can help it," Touka said under her breath, pushing past Ayato on the way down the steps to their door. She beat him to the passenger side door, where the two of them engaged in a hip-checking battle trying to grab the handle. Hide leaned against the car and watched with a smile.

Touka's phone started to ring, startling her into stepping back. Ayato opened the door and threw himself into the seat, sending her a triumphant smirk. Touka shot back a dirty look and answered her phone.

Moments later, Touka's expression sobered and dropped.

"What?!" She whispered into the phone. "That fucking...! I'm so sorry." 

Hide watched emotions pass on her face like a slideshow. Anger, in her clenched teeth. Sympathy and pain and love in her eyes. The slightest flash of hope, which was quickly replaced by guilt.

"I'm coming," Touka said suddenly, sounding like she had said it without a second thought. A pause. "I'm not just going to leave you by yourself. Hang on."

Touka hung up and turned to Hide and Ayato. "That rotten, lowlife _scumbag_ cheated on Yoriko." She paused and looked between the two of them, seeming conflicted. Hide could easily guess what she was worried about.

"What are you waiting for?" Hide asked. "Go get the girl."

"But this is our first time hunting a ghost, we were supposed to do it together―"

"We'll be fine, just go," Ayato interrupted.

Relief shone on Touka's face. She stepped toward Hide and said, low enough for only him to hear, "Make sure Ayato doesn't get hurt."

Hide nodded. Touka took off running.

*

Haise was standing by the window shifting from foot to foot when he finally saw the burnt orange car pull into the driveway. He didn't bother waiting for them to knock before he stepped outside. He watched Hide and Ayato get out and walk to the trunk.

Ayato spotted Haise and jerked his thumb toward the car. "Hey, Sasaki, come help us out."

Haise was bemused, until he spotted the hoard of stuff that he now he realized was ghost hunting supplies. It seemed obvious, now that he knew. Ayato handed him the Ouija board. Hide grabbed a camera and a large salt container, while Ayato went for two bottles of clear liquid. 

"Do we really need this much stuff?" Haise wondered. "And where's Touka-chan?"

"Better safe than sorry, isn't it?" Hide said. "She's saving the princess." 

"Kosaka," Ayato translated, upon Haise's blank stare.

 _Yoriko, huh?_ Haise wished Touka the best. Maybe her love life could have a little more success than his.

Haise squinted at Hide, thinking that something seemed different. He breathed a soft _ah_ when he realized it. Hide's usual orange headphones were missing, replaced by a pair of Bluetooth earbuds hooked over his ears.

Before Haise could realize he was staring and stop, Hide fished his phone out of his pocket and held it up in explanation.

"It's for recording," Hide said, "I can listen to my phone recording while I'm in another room If I need to."

Haise nodded and chewed his lip. He wasn't sure what to make of the fact that they were apparently talking, now. Maybe it was only temporary, until the ghost problem was taken care of.

They carried the things inside, taking them to Haise's room. Ayato and Hide set the bottles of water, the container of salt and the camera on his bookshelf. Watching them with a tilted head, Haise placed the board on his bed and asked, "Wouldn't it be better to have that on hand? For... I don't know, defense?"

"Well, yeah," Hide said, "but that'd be like pointing a gun while trying to lure a deer out. We don't want to scare the ghost off."

"Great job, Nagachika, make it sound like we're trying to murder Bambi."

"Okay, okay, it was a bad metaphor," Hide grumbled, scratching at the back of his neck.

"Analogy," Haise corrected automatically. "Besides, you can't murder a dead person. What now?"

"Now," Ayato smirked, "you leave it to the professionals."

 _You aren't even professionals..._ Haise almost wished Touka was there, so that she could kick her younger brother for trying to sound cool. He trailed after Hide and Ayato as they walked to the upstairs bathroom. Apprehension clawed at his chest.

 _Is this really a good idea?_ Haise wondered.

"Nagachika, start recording," Ayato said.

Hide tapped at his phone. After a nod from the blond, Ayato announced something aloud, an invitation for the ghost to appear. Haise unconsciously stepped closer to Hide.

Maybe he was imagining it, but Haise thought he felt the room get colder.

They waited in silence. It stretched on, the tension mounting higher, until Hide finally shook his head and said, "Let's move on."

Next, they gathered by the door in Haise's room. Hide spoke this time, "If there are any spirits around, we would like to speak."

They waited again. Haise was almost disappointed at the silence. If that didn't work, he wasn't sure what would. The ghost was unpredictable, and seemed to have no problem showing up without a Ouija board or other invitation.

Haise watched Hide as his brown eyes fell on the scissors. The blond walked to the table and stared down at it.

All the blood drained from Hide's face.

Before Haise could ask what was wrong, he heard a loud _slam_ from behind him and turned to see that the door had shut. His breath hitched. He seized the knob and tried it. It wouldn't budge.

"Shit!" Ayato made to run for the bookshelf, but before he could the holy water bottles and the salt flew off the shelf and right at him. Ayato shrieked. Haise moved before he could even think about it, seizing Ayato's wrist and jerking him out of the way. The glass hit the wall, right where his head had been, and shattered. Water and salt slid down the wall, pooling into mush mixed with shards.

With equally pale faces, Ayato and Haise exchanged wide-eyed looks. Haise knew they were both thinking the same thing.

_That could have been Ayato._

The lights flickered and died. Behind the blinds, Haise saw layers of ice crawl across and thicken on his window. He could see his quickened breath in the air. _We're trapped,_ Haise thought, hysterical but strangely calm. _We're trapped, we're going to die, and the last thing I told my family was 'see you later'._ He hoped they knew how much he loved them.

Hide almost flew across the room to push Haise behind him. _Why?_ Haise wondered, gritting his teeth. _Why are you always protecting me?_ Huddled against the door, they watched and waited. Helpless.

Haise looked out from behind Hide, and saw him.

The ghost stood in front of them, his eyes frozen reservoirs of fury. But there was more to it than that. Haise thought he almost looked... afraid. When he spoke, it was mixed with the static from before, as if wrath had set him back. "Y͢o͞u̡'ré trying͢ t̷ǫ ͢gȩt ́ŗid̴ òf m͝e̴.̢"

Haise looked at Hide, and he could only stare. The blond was wearing an expression he had never seen, in all their years together. Not when he broke a bone. Not when he was rejected. Not when his mother became sick, nor out of relief when she made a recovery. It wasn't like he was heartless, or didn't express his emotions. But Hide always wore a smile, and if not that, then a dry-eyed frown. 

Hide was crying. 

Tears slowly dripping down his cheeks, Hide spoke, sounding as if there was broken glass in his throat.

"...Ken?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys aren't too disappointed that touka didn't go with. i just wanted to narrow the focus down to as few characters as possible, and it had the added bonus of tying up that loose lil end w/ yoriko.  
> anyone want to fight me bc of that cliffhanger? come at me bruh :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALRIGHT SO BEFORE YOU READ THIS i'd really like to suggest you look at the tags because a bunch of them happen here. there's child abuse, sibling incest, child death, and i'm also going to add emotional manipulation and non-consensual voyeurism.

Hide took a stuttering half-step forward like a marionette being tugged by the strings. The ghost― _Ken, apparently,_ seemed to soften. The harsh line of his mouth loosened. His eyes lost their thunder, changing from cumulonimbus to cumulus clouds. The ice on the window dripped rivulets in the background.

"Hide." Ken said, not soft nor sharp, but flat.

"You― you were supposed to be at peace."

" _Peace?_ " Ken laughed, but it wasn't a real laugh. It was brief, bitter, biting. A sip of black coffee made into a syllable. He became thunder and ice and sharp edges again, and looked at Haise when he said, "Well, it doesn't matter. I _will_ have my peace soon."

Haise saw Ayato, and felt the prickle in his stomach ease some. At least _Ayato_ wasn't keeping things from him, the brunet looked just as bewildered and irritated. They were two spectators at a show they never bought tickets to.

Somehow, neither of them could look away.

"We can help you!" Hide blurted, all pain and desperation.

Ken narrowed his eyes. "Leave. I don't want to involve you, or," he glanced at Ayato, "your friend in this."

"Why won't you let us help you? You've been like this," Hide threw a hand out in a helpless gesture that encompassed everything and nothing. His voice was breaking, "for so many years, haven't you? Isn't it lonely? Don't you want to move on?"

"What do _you_ know?" Ken hissed. "I can move on myself, and I _will_. Leave!"

"I don't know what you're planning, I don't know what you want with Haise, but if you just _let us_ ―"

" _G̨͛͛̇̒̿̃ͫ̆͜e̷ͥ̍̌ͯ͜ṫ͜_ ̛̆ͣͬ͢͞ _o̷̾̈́͡u͛̔ͯ̐͆̽͂ͣ͊t̋̾̓_ ̷ͯ͛.̷̢ͯ̀ͩͫ͐ͣ"

"Sorry to interrupt," Ayato said, not sounding sorry at all, "But it's kind of hard to get out when there's, y'know, a _fucking door in the way._ By the way, anyone want to tell us what the hell is going on?"

Haise gave Ayato a look that conveyed as much gratitude as possible. It turned out, though, that the brunet's interruption made no difference. It went ignored.

"Fine. It doesn't matter. If you won't leave, I'll carry on anyway." Ken's voice went dangerously soft. " _Hai-se,_ come a little closer..."

Chills slid down Haise's spine at the sing-song tone of that voice. He stepped back until he was fully pressed against the door. Hide must have gotten the same bad feeling, because he threw his arms out in a protective gesture.

"Hide," Ken cooed, "Step aside. You don't think I would hurt my own little brother, do you?"

Haise's mind blanked. _Did_ ― _did I really just hear that?_

Hide said carefully, "I don't, but... something's not right."

"I just want to see him." Ken's voice was soft, silky. Haise watched over Hide's shoulder as the ghost stepped closer and practically _draped himself_ over Hide. The blond went deathly still. Ken's lips brushed his ear when he whispered, "Won't you move? For me?"

Hide shuddered and shook his head.

Ken blinked at him doeishly. "If you love me, Hide, you'll step aside."

Hide flinched as if he'd been struck. Haise wanted to do something, _anything,_ but his feet felt like they were stuck to the floor. What could he even do against a _ghost?_ What did Ken even _want_ with him?

_Why am I so weak?_ Haise despaired.

Hide lifted his chin, squared his shoulders, and said, "No."

The draping became coiling, like a constrictor preparing to crush its prey. " _M̸̶̹̱̰͔̤͖̣̺͕͉̓̂ͪ̔̏̍́̒ͫͥ̓̕͡o͒̓̎͐̐_ ̨̨͙̦̜̝̱̱̫͔͉͍͖ͫ̋͆ͬͬ̀̊ͩ̅͋̌ͫ͘͞ _̩͙̦̮͎v̧̖͍̪̯̦̖̩̮̭̩̰͚ͤ͒̐̍͆͊̅ͧ̊̔̉ͮ̃͊ͫͯ́͝͡͞_ ȩ̵̥̱̣̺̙͍̠̯̹̗̗̲̮͎̓͂ͭ͐ͩ̽͛̿ͫ̀ͅͅ.̛̛̩̦̘̦̱̭͓̫̠͙̤ͪͮ͊͗̈͘̕ͅͅͅ"

Ayato moved. He grabbed a fistful of the salt and holy water mixture at his feet, the bottle shards cutting into his palm. And then he threw it at Ken.

Ken dodged _through_ Hide. He was in front of Haise, looking down at his hands like he hadn't realized that he could do that. His expression hardened into a triumphant, too sharp smile. And then he moved closer, and closer, and Haise couldn't back up anymore.

Ken didn't step through him, it wasn't a passing coldness or a fleeting moment. He stepped _into_ Haise.

Everything was _too full too full too full_ , Haise couldn't _think_ because there was someone in his _head_ and someone blinking his eyes and curling his fingers and it was all wrong _no,_ nothing was his, not his deepest secrets or his memories―

Memories. Someone― Ken― was pouring memories into his head, a flood of years that hit Haise like a tidal wave and knocked every structure down. He couldn't swim, not in those icy, frigid waters that left him gasping. The ocean threatened to drag him down.

So Haise didn't swim.

He drowned.

* 

Kaneki Ken loved his mother.

He loved his mother when she smiled. He loved his mother the few times she read to them, even if she called them 'strange children'. He loved his mother when she left black and blue crawling down his arms and legs.

_Be the one who gets hurt, rather than hurting others_. She taught him that.

So Ken took the hurt and he tried not to cry or whimper or beg. Kuro was in the other room, and Kuro would be hurt if he knew. Ken stopped wearing short sleeves. He stopped taking baths with Kuro. He stopped changing in the same room. When he'd limp back into bed at night Kuro would turn over and ask, "Where were you?"

Ken would smile and touch his chin. "Painting with mom."

Painting vivid colors on his skin and silent tears on his cheeks. An ugly picture.

"Let me come next time..." Kuro would say around a yawn, sleepy and small and _pure,_ something that the hurt could never touch.

He never did.

It took time for Ken to notice that it wasn't _normal._ It was almost summer and their small classroom was sticky hot, the air conditioner broken. Ken's hair was slick against his forehead. Everyone was wearing skirts and shorts and tank-tops but him.

The only marks on their arms and legs were scrapes and small yellow spots from climbing trees and play fighting.

Hide tugged at the shirt sleeve half-covering Ken's hand and smiled all concerned and bright, "Shouldn't you roll this up? You're gonna die in this heat." Hide threw a hand over his chest, threw the other one out and exclaimed, "You can't die, Ken! Me n' Kuro'll be lonely, and rabbits die when they get lonely!"

Hide started to push Ken's sleeve up. Ken panicked and ran to the restroom, where he spent the rest of the day hiding.

The next night, sleeping over at Hide's house, Ken watched. Hide's mother was blonde and bright and bustling, with crinkling eyes and dimpling cheeks when she smiled. She ruffled their hair and kissed their cheeks and rolled her eyes when Hide complained about her embarrassing him.

At dinner she asked them what they wanted and fussed over if Kuro and Ken had allergies, or they didn't like a food or a spice. Hide kicked his feet under the table and smiled like it was normal, having someone who cared enough to ask what kind of animals he liked. Ken watched as she placed a plate in front of him, and there was a white rice ball with seaweed bunny ears and eyes.

Ken's eyes watered at the first bite. He wondered if this was what a mother's love was like.

Kuro squeezed his hand under the table.

At bed time the three of them crowded into Hide's bed, almost dog piled on top of each other, Kuro in the middle. Warm and tangled and _safe._

Hide asked his mom to read them a story, and she didn't call him a strange child. She read, and she used funny voices for the characters, and she told them not to stay up too late.

Soon the lights went out and the door shut behind her.

In the darkness, Ken pressed his damp face into the pillow and thought, _I don't belong here._ He wished he could leave Kuro in this home with Hide, where he'd be happy, where he'd be okay. Ken could stay in the cold dark corners of their mother's house and collect bruises until there was nothing left of him. He could disappear.

"Hide?"

"What's wrong?"

"Does your mom ever hit you?"

"No. Why? ...Yours wouldn't, right?"

"I read it in a book. I just thought it'd... be strange, for a mother to hurt her child."

"Yeah. G'night, Ken."

"...Goodnight, Hide."

The first time their mother laid a hand on Kuro was two years later.

Ken had gone to the library, and Kuro stayed at the house to do homework. When he came home he took one step, saw Kuro on the floor, and hurled his bag down, kicked his shoes off haphazardly. He gathered his little brother into his arms and didn't let him go, even after Kuro stopped crying.

The door to _that woman's_ study was shut and locked. Ken's eyes shot daggers at it.

Kaneki Ken loved his mother. But Kuro was _everything._

It only got worse. The dark circles and bags under their mother's eyes increased. She became waxy skin stretched over thin bones. Ken and Kuro saw a woman with greedy hands come sometimes, and their mother would fill them. Later, they would peek into her study to see her head in her hands, papers and papers with numbers on them in front of her. Ken thought he understood.

_Be the one who gets hurt, rather than hurting others_.

( _So then why did she hurt Ken? Why did she hurt Kuro?_ )

They learned to make themselves scarce whenever the woman came, because afterwards their mother was more likely to turn on them with fists or feet or whatever was closest.

Ken hid Kuro in the closet, sometimes. He said that his little brother was out of the house, and became the one who was hurt instead.

"No matter what, you can't open this door," Ken said.

Hidden among coats and boxes, Kuro whimpered, panicked and reaching. "Don't go. We'll be safer in here―"

Ken smiled and ruffled Kuro's hair, tried to seem calm, even though inside he was a reflection of the trembling boy in front of him. He made up an excuse, anything that would let him protect Kuro. "I have to. I'm older, remember?"

A loud slam. Both of them jumped, tiny, trembling hands over their mouths. Ken's fragile smile disappeared and they looked at each other with twin wide-eyed gazes.

"Don't open the door," Ken whispered. He cupped Kuro's cheek, stroked a thumb over the jagged pale line on his jaw, and then left. He had failed Kuro enough already.

Ken still remembered the sharp smell of rubbing alcohol on the tissues he desperately pressed to Kuro's bloody face. "I broke it," Kuro kept whispering. There was so much blood, and Ken just didn't understand. There had never been blood before, it was always bruises.

Kuro wouldn't tell him what happened, but Ken suspected it had something to do with how _that woman's_ favorite cup had gone missing, the one that their father had given her. He found shards in the trash, and glimpsed a matching cut on the palm of her hand.

That cut on Kuro's face was all it took, for the one thought Ken had forbidden himself to run circles in his head.

Ken had learned three important things.

The first was that mothers were not supposed to hurt their children.

The second was that he could stand it if _he_ was the one being hurt, but not Kuro. Never Kuro.

The third was that, if he or Kuro were in trouble, they were supposed to go to the police.

So a plan began to form. The house phone had been shut off months ago, so he couldn't call. Instead Ken told their mother they were going to the library that day, but it was all so that he could show Kuro where the police station was.

He put his hands on the younger boy's shoulders and asked urgently, "You can remember this, right? You can find your way back here?"

Kuro nodded and bit his lip. "Are we in trouble?"

Ken hugged him close, buried his face in Kuro's hair and said _yes_ past the lump in his throat.

"Why don't we just go in now? Why do I have to sneak out?" Kuro frowned. "Mom won't be happy if she finds out."

_That's the point,_ Ken thought. "Just trust me."

Ken didn't know how everything would work, they'd never gone to the police before. But he knew that their mother was good at hiding things, and he thought that if the police people came, she would smile and lie and the bruises would be written off as being from climbing trees and play fighting. Because the neighbors knew Ms. Kaneki as a kind woman who worked hard for her two sons. Because she invited Hide's mom over for tea sometimes. Because who would believe some young, dumb kids?

So Kuro would sneak out at night, and Ken would make just enough ruckus that their mother would find out, and she'd get mad and hit him. Kuro would get the police people and they would come and see, and _then_ they'd believe them. They'd take Kuro and Ken away, and they would be safe.

It would be just like in the books Ken read. They would get their happy ending.

Except that it didn't work like that.

It was snowing outside that night, and no matter how many layers Ken had pushed Kuro to wear the boy was still shivering where he stood outside their bedroom window. The winds lanced straight through his coat. He almost decided to wait for another night, but the snow wasn't _too_ bad. Ken kissed Kuro's forehead and begged him to be careful.

Ken waited until Kuro was out of sight, lost to the grey and white and black of the evening. Then he slammed the window shut and stomped back and forth and made as much noise as he could.

"What's going on, Ken?" His mother appeared on cue, a dark shadow in the doorway. "Where's your brother? Did you have a fight?"

Ken said nothing. He said nothing when she asked him question after question, he said nothing when she searched the house for Kuro, he said nothing when she put on her shoes to go and he clung to her leg.

He couldn't let her find Kuro. He _couldn't._

Ken said nothing when she told him over and over to _let go._ He said nothing when she kicked him, and the kicking didn't stop. He said nothing when his arms and legs slowly grew too weak to shield himself anymore.

Everything hurt. It was agony to breathe, and his breaths came in soft wheezes. His vision was a blur of dark colors fading in and out.

Any minute now, he knew. Any minute now there would be a knock on the door, and flashing blue and red lights through the windows like in the movies. Kuro would come. He just wanted to see Kuro's face again.

No one came.

Kaneki Ken died alone and afraid that he had been forgotten.

* 

That night marked the biggest snowstorm to happen in the area in decades. The snowfall had started out light, then spiraled into a blizzard.

Amon Koutarou frowned at the windshield of his car. The wipers were working in overdrive, but the snow was falling too fast and heavy to see easily. The wheels wouldn't move.

He was really starting to regret making that trip after work to pick up groceries. His wife, Mado Akira, (she didn't take his last name, they were two police officers working in the same department, and there could only be one Officer Amon) reached over and squeezed his hand. He exhaled.

"I'm sorry. You were right, we should have gone home. Now we're stuck here..."

"We could walk," Akira offered. Koutarou raised his eyebrows and gave a meaningful look at the high heels she was wearing. She gave him a look back that he interpreted as, _I am perfectly capable of kicking criminal ass in these, and you think I can't walk in them?_

Koutarou raised his hands in surrender but said, "It's safer inside. If we go out, we could get lost. Why don't we just stay until the storm passes?"

"We promised Kuki we would come home," Akira muttered, frowning at her lap. "We have to."

Akira was right. They were only just starting to gain their adopted son's trust, after he had stayed closed off to them for so long. Koutarou didn't want to scare Kuki, didn't want to make him think that they had met the same fate as his biological father. He turned off the car.

It was freezing outside. Koutarou stuck close to his wife, their arms linked and their hands in their coat pockets. He could barely see through all the snow, no matter how hard he squinted, and he was afraid of getting lost from Akira if he didn't hold onto her. His teeth chattered around exhalations that became fog in the air.

Koutarou knew they weren't too far from home. Through the white haze he thought he could see the outlines of buildings in the distance, but he wasn't sure.

Then his foot caught on something on the ground, and he stumbled. He would have fallen if it weren't for Akira's grip on his arm steadying him. Koutarou looked down and frowned. Under the snow, that shape...

Koutarou knelt and started brushing the snow aside. He didn't even react to the bite of the snow on his bare hands, the dim horror inside him mounting with every scoop of snow. When the form he had stumbled over was unearthed, he whispered, "Oh God."

Laying there in the snow was a still, blue-lipped boy.

Koutarou felt gratitude fill him when Akira immediately gathered the boy in her arms and stood. He thought that if she didn't, he would have just stared in shock. Akira pressed two fingers to the boy's neck, and Koutarou held his breath.

"He's alive," Akira said. "Just barely."

Koutarou unbuttoned his coat, and Akira let him wrap the warm inside around the child. He asked, feeling helpless, "What are we supposed to do?"

"He needs medical attention," Akira said, beginning to walk briskly. "He's most likely hypothermic. We'll take him home, call an ambulance and do what we can."

Koutarou wrapped his arms around himself and shivered as they walked, but found himself hardly paying attention to the discomfort. His eyes were focused on the small bundle in his wife's arms. The boy looked so _young_ , younger than Kuki was.

With his years working in the police force it wasn't Koutarou's first time seeing a child in bad shape, but it never got easier. He wondered with a pulse of anger what a little boy was doing out in a storm. Was there someone responsible for this?

They walked and walked, with Akira sometimes double-checking on the child's pulse. The silhouettes in the distance became larger.

Koutarou felt like he was holding his breath until the moment they made it home. He unlocked the front door and held it open for Akira. It was dark inside― it was late, Kuki and Seidou, a friend and ex-coworker whom they'd asked to watch their adopted son, were probably asleep. Koutarou flipped the lights on, and saw Seidou drooling on the couch.

Akira rushed the boy in her arms to the bedroom she and Koutarou shared, while Koutarou dialed 119 and requested an ambulance. After answering several questions, Koutarou listened to the operator's instructions and relayed them to Akira. He went to get towels and blankets while his wife struggled to remove the child's stiff, icy clothing.

When he came back, standing in the doorway, he heard Akira breathe, "Koutarou. He's..."

She didn't finish, but Koutarou took one look at the boy and understood. He was covered in marks. There were even finger-shaped bruises around one of his wrists.

They both knew the signs. They were dealing with a victim of abuse.

Koutarou dried the unconscious child off with the towels, then covered him with the blankets. He exhaled slowly. "I'm going with, when the ambulance arrives. I need to find out who did this."

Akira nodded.

The ambulance arrived soon, and Koutarou did go with. Halfway to the hospital, the black-haired boy began to shiver and slur. Koutarou thought it was a good sign, that he wasn't laying still as death on the stretcher anymore. The boy mumbled fragmented syllables at first, that slowly grew more complete.

Then he said something that sounded like, "Are you the police?"

Koutarou thought he hadn't heard right, until the boy said it again, a little clearer this time. He realized with a jolt that the child's eyes were just barely open, though they seemed glazed.

He wasn't sure if the boy could understand him, but he said, "Yes, I am."

It was a little while before the boy spoke again, and it sounded more like a tired breath of air than a sentence. "He said to get you..."

"Who did?"

"...brother."

Koutarou's stomach sank. If he really wasn't just feverishly rambling, then this child had a brother. A brother who was likely either with an abuser, or lying somewhere in the snow like he had been.

Koutarou fought to stay calm. He had to find out where the boy's brother was, but he was hardly in a state to answer any complex questions from Koutarou. He wracked his brain. He had to act quickly, the clarity in the child's eyes was fading fast.

"Ah," Koutarou breathed suddenly. "What's your name?"

The boy's eyes shut again. He mumbled around a fatigue-thick tongue, "Kaneki Kuro."

Koutarou called the police, identified himself as an officer, and explained the situation. He told them to search the database for _Kaneki Kuro._ They found an address, and he smiled down at Kuro. Relief warmed him. Maybe this story wouldn't be a tragedy yet.

Except that they didn't make it in time.

* 

"Can we really handle another child, Akira?"

"We handle Kuki fine. He refuses to talk to other children, maybe if he had a brother..."

"I still don't know."

Akira smiled just slightly then, and maybe most people thought she was expressionless, but Koutarou could read the mischievousness like her face was an open book. "Weren't you the one who said we would have five children?"

Koutarou blushed. That was when they were younger, before they discovered that Akira was infertile. "Maybe I thought four of those would be cats."

"We can't get three more cats," Akira said gravely. "Maris Stella barely tolerates you. I can't, in good conscience, subject more cats to Amon Koutarou."

...They started the process of adopting Kuro― or, as he had started to call himself, Haise. (Four kids later, and they needed a bigger house. They moved to the same neighborhood as a certain blond boy.)

* 

Nagachika Hideyoshi loved his best friends.

Ken and Kuro were so great. They were smart, and nice, and coaxing shy smiles from either of them made his chest feel like it was filled with fizz. They shared their drawings with him and laughed at his doodles and let him show the music he liked to them.

But... there were strange things about them, too. Hide had known them for years, and he had never seen Ken wear anything but long sleeves and pants. At first he thought it was his style, like how Hide wore bright colors, but Ken avoided pools and didn't even change when it was hot.

And then there was something sharp to Ken, where Kuro was soft. It reminded Hide of the feral cats he saw sometimes. His mom told him there were bad people in the neighborhood, people who would kick the strays and yell at them if they came around. Just like the cats, sometimes Ken flinched if Hide tried to touch him.

Eventually Kuro started dressing like his brother, too.

"Stylin' it up like Ken, huh?" Hide had asked, hiding his curiosity under teasing.

But Ken gave him a look, a _glare_ , the one that was reserved for people who were making Kuro uncomfortable.

That was the other thing about Ken and Kuro. They were weirdly close, closer than any other siblings Hide met. The way Ken looked at and acted around Kuro made Hide think of something, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Until the next time February came around.

A girl with her hair in pig-tails came up to Ken, handed him a box of chocolates, and ran away. Watching the enamored girl, it clicked. Hide filed the information away, that Ken looked at Kuro like he _like-liked_ him.

One day Hide, alone with a babysitter despite how much he'd complained he didn't need one, asked about it.

Hide's babysitter was an annoying guy named Nishio Nishiki. They had a mutual agreement where Nishiki left Hide to his own devices, and Hide didn't tell his parents that Nishiki said bad words like _shit_ and _fuck_. Nishiki got paid, and Hide didn't have someone breathing down his neck. It worked.

Nishiki was currently lounging on the couch watching television. Hide plopped himself on the opposite side, watched the TV for a few moments, and then asked. Because Nishiki was the only adult around, as sucky as he was at being an adult, and maybe he'd know something. Maybe he'd tell Hide that he was being weird and imagining things, and then Hide could forget about it.

Hide wasn't expecting Nishiki to start snickering and mutter behind his hand, "Maybe the kid has a sis-con. ...Bro-con? Whatever."

"What's a sis-con?" Hide tilted his head.

"Nothing, brat." Nishiki ruffled Hide's hair forcefully. Hide glared and decided that later, while Nishiki was sleeping, he was going to draw a mustache on him. "Go do whatever and leave me alone."

Hide searched 'sis-con' on the internet that night. The images that showed up made Hide blush and quickly close the tab. He was never going to search anything Nishiki mentioned ever again.

* 

Hide had seen all of the signs. They were right there, and he missed them.

Now Ken was gone, and Hide knew the meaning of hatred.

Ken's mother had always seemed distant, cold, but Hide had never known she was a _monster._ He couldn't even really hate her, because she was dead. She died hours after the police took her into custody, sick and stressed and saying, "He wouldn't let go of me," and "I didn't mean to," over and over and over again. Ken didn't get justice. She didn't get to _suffer_ like he did.

Hide thought bitterly that there was no _justice_ in a situation like this anyway. To borrow words from Nishiki, a _shitty_ situation.

Now Ken was gone, and his funeral was filled with people who didn't really know him, didn't know what was going on behind closed doors. Like Hide.

Kuro wasn't there.

Inside the casket in the white suit Ken looked so small and pale and cold, and he was _dead_ but all Hide could think or feel was that Ken would be lonely six feet under the hard ground. Hide wanted to give him a blanket. He wanted to curl himself into the casket, too. Ken had been so alone for so long, hadn't he? Hide couldn't leave him like that again.

The funeral ended. The world carried on. Hide wasn't sure he wanted it to.

(His parents made him see a child therapist, a nice lady with kind eyes and gentle hands. He refused to go after a month. He didn't need kind eyes and gentle hands, he needed Ken.)

The next time Hide saw Kuro, he had been adopted by the kind couple who had found him in the snow. They took him and his parents aside before they came in and had a conversation full of complex phrases that Hide didn't understand like 'psychological trauma' and 'posttraumatic stress disorder' and 'repressed memory', and what it all boiled down to was that somehow Hide had lost not one but _both_ of his best friends.

Kuro was calling himself Haise, now. He didn't remember anything about his mother or brother, and he would get upset when anyone challenged the new identity he'd made for himself.

"I don't like Kuro," he would say. "Kuro is stupid." He kept trying to put chalk in his hair to turn it white. Anything that marked him as Kuro, apparently, was something that had to change. He even insisted that his birthday was in April.

(Later, when a teenage Haise asked, Akira and Koutarou let him bleach his hair. From then on, he bleached it every time it grew out to black again. The result was that most of the time he had hair that was half-black and half-white. When the friends he made in junior high, Ayato and Touka, asked _why_ he smiled and shrugged and said that he just felt like it.)

Mrs. Mado and Mr. Amon had taken Haise to psychologist after psychologist, and eventually they came to the conclusion that all they could do was wait until Haise was ready to face the past. They told Hide that he was welcome to try, but they didn't know if Haise would remember him or not.

Hide stepped into the living room, where Kuro― _Haise_ was sitting. He took a shaky breath.

Haise perked up when he saw the blond, smiled and said, "Hide!"

Hide took a step forward, then another, and then he didn't really think, he just hugged Haise close and buried his face in his shoulder. Haise tensed, but soon relaxed.

"Hide? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, K―... Haise." Hide lifted his head and grinned. He didn't need to worry Haise. "I just missed you."

Hide would take what he could get.

* 

Ken was dead, and all he could do was watch Kuro.

Kuro had a loving family, now, and a different name, and he had forgotten Ken. It hurt, but Ken thought he could stand it. As long as Kuro was happy.

_As long as Kuro was happy._ It was the only thing that got Ken by, when he curled up next to 'Haise' at night, even though he couldn't see Ken, even though Ken couldn't touch him or even the bed, even though Ken couldn't sleep anymore.

Ken was weak at first. He couldn't touch anything, no one could see him, it was like he was completely cut off from the world of the living. The only thing he could do was change himself. So as he watched Haise grow older, change from a child to a preteen to a teenager, Ken made himself look older too. It made it easier to deal with the fact that he'd never really be able to grow up. He was dead, after all.

Ken was weak at first, but then he made a discovery. Lying next to a thirteen year old Haise like they used to as children, he watched with a sense of curiosity as Haise fumbled with his hand down his pants. And Ken found himself shifting closer, because the air was heady and buzzing and he wanted more.

The next day Ken's feet made solid contact with the floor.

(When Ken found out what an incubus was, he wondered with a frown if he was one of those. He shook it off. He was a ghost, not some sort of demon.)

Ken grew stronger, and more different. More _twisted._ _As long as Kuro was happy_ wasn't enough, anymore. Because Kuro had become _Haise._ Because Ken had to watch as Hide fell in love with Haise and Haise fell in love with Hide and all he could think was _it should've been me._ Because almost a decade was a long time to be almost alone.

So Ken watched Haise, and decided, _I'm not going to be alone anymore._

Ken would do it on the day that he died, because Kuro should have died with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wwow this chapter turned out long. it came out 5300 words when my average is 2400. good thing i've had the break after exams to write it, or you guys would be waiting another week. 
> 
> also i considered putting the stuff from the past in italics but i figured 5000 words would probably get annoying to read in italics idk i'm sure it's obvious it's from the past anyway
> 
> (tbh i'm really nervous posting it aaaaa i've re-read it like 10 times i really hope it??? came out okay????)


	12. Chapter 12

Hide didn't know what to do.

The ghost had just _dived into Haise_ , but nothing had happened besides Haise's legs giving out. For the past several minutes Haise had just been staring at the wall, barely blinking. He wouldn't react to being touched, talked to, _anything._ It was like he was asleep.

Hide clenched his fists, paced back and forth. He had to _think_. What had Ken _done_ to Haise? Was he trapping the two of them inside Haise's mind to be together? Was that what Ken meant by _peace?_

If it was possession, maybe they could try the salt and holy water again. But would that hurt Haise as well? Especially with the glass shards... Hide couldn't risk it.

A drop of crimson fell to the carpet and stained it. Hide looked up. There was also the issue of Ayato's hand dripping blood down his arm.

Touka was going to kill him, Hide knew, but he couldn't find it in him to care. His heart was too busy pounding in fear for Haise.

Ayato hissed and tried to smother his hand against his shirt, but Hide captured his wrist and examined it with clinical detachment. There were several bloody cuts there with glints of glass in them. Some of the glass was tiny, while there were a few larger shards. They were pretty deep. Ayato had clenched his fist around the handful, after all.

"Stop it, you'll push the glass deeper."

"It fucking _hurts_ ," Ayato wheezed. Hide could see sweat beading on his forehead. He briefly wondered why Ayato was taking it so badly― sure, he was young, but Hide knew he had gotten cuts before― until he remembered the salt.

Hide looked between Haise and Ayato, torn. He grimaced. Ayato had saved his butt, he reasoned, and he needed to return the favor. "Watch Haise."

Hide hurried to the bathroom and threw open the cabinets under the sink. He found the first-aid kit and withdrew gauze, tape, tweezers and antiseptic wipes. He came back and set to work on getting the glass out of Ayato's right hand.

"I can do it myself!"

Hide shot him an incredulous look and glanced down at Ayato's hands. Both were shaking. He went for the protest that would probably damage Ayato's pride less. Stupid, stubborn kid. He was wasting precious time that could be used to help Haise. "You're right-handed."

"I use my left hand for plenty of things―"

Hide flicked Ayato on the forehead. He _may_ have dug the tweezers in harder than he needed to just then, but no one needed to know.

Hide finished cleaning Ayato's hand and putting gauze on it. He turned back to Haise and sighed. "What're we going to do with you?"

This was nothing like how Hide expected a possession would go. Because that was what it was, wasn't it? Ken had possessed Haise. He had gone into Haise and not come out. It explained _nothing_ of why Haise was practically comatose.

Ayato tried, for the umpteenth time, to wave his hand in front of Haise's face. Nothing. Not even a blink.

Hide raked his hands through his hair. Panic was starting to seize him. What if Haise never woke up?

"Hey. I know there's no time now, but _later_ you'd better tell me what the shit is going on."

Hide nodded warily. He had intended on only telling Touka everything, but he supposed Ayato wouldn't settle for knowing nothing after this. (It was going to be such a mess. Haise had heard things that Hide couldn't explain. Would Haise remember, or would he block it all out again?)

Before Hide could stop him, Ayato slapped Haise in the face, hard.

*

One moment Ken was Haise and Haise was Ken, and then there was stinging pain and half of them, half of _Haise_ was being wrenched away. Ken was out of Haise's body, looking just as dazed as Haise felt.

Haise made a wounded noise and curled his knees to his chest, buried his hands in his hair and clenched them. He _remembered_ , he remembered wandering cold and lost and scared in the snow, and he remembered what Ken had shown him― the texture of the floor on his cold cheek, the color of their mother's shoes, all he could see, walking away as he laid there dying, painfearabandonment _betrayal_.

Haise couldn't breathe, though his chest was rising and falling hard and fast. He didn't know who he was. He didn't know what was real.

Ken, his _brother_ was dead because of him. Because he had failed. Because he was too weak, too stupid, too useless to do anything but be protected and saved by others. It was all Haise's fault. All he ever did was _run away._ Weak, weak, _weak._

Even now, all he could do was curl up and gasp for breath, watch the world spin, feel his heart pound in his chest like he was dying.

Everything was so fresh, all his scars had been ripped open. He could see the color of his mother's eyes, he could hear his and Ken's cries in his ears, he could feel the snow smothering him, and remember everything of the moment his world had shattered in full clarity. The moment they told him _we're sorry, your brother is gone_ and some part of him _broke_ and decided _I don't want to live in a world without him. I don't want to remember._ It was too much, too much, _too much_.

Someone was saying something, though Haise could barely hear through his own noisy breathing and the clutter in his ears.

"Haise, _breathe,_ come on―" Hide's eyes were too warm, too soft, and he was reaching a hand out and Haise couldn't _stand it._ He was a crumbling fortress, and even the gentlest touch would _break_ him.

"Don't!" Haise cried.

Hide flinched and his hand dropped. Still, he stayed, and so did the warmth and softness and then _resolve._ "You need to calm down."

Why? Why, why, _why?_ Haise didn't understand it at all. (He was fourteen all over again, telling Hide what he thought about when he looked at scissors and swimming pools and pills and precipices. Another memory that he kept locked away, another memory to run from. Hide's eyes had been filled with pain, and his own had been filled with nothing, and he wondered _why do you stay if I hurt you so much?_ )

"W-why? Why are you always doing this?"

"Trying to help you?" Hide asked, tilting his head. Like Haise had just asked _why is the sky blue_ or _why does the earth have seasons._ Something that had a logical explanation, something that simply _was._

Haise squeezed his eyes shut and wished for the emptiness back. Maybe it would be better than the ache in his chest and throat. There was no logical explanation behind staying beside someone who was weak, someone who had failed to save his family, someone who had _forgotten_ because it was the easy thing to do. _Hide should hate me. It's my fault Ken died._

"Because I hate seeing you like this," Hide said softly. "Because you'd do the same for me. Because maybe it's... wrong, to feel like this, but I honestly think I'd do anything for you. Because you're my home."

Hide reached out again. Haise didn't stop him, this time. He squeezed Haise's shoulder. "You remember, don't you?"

"Everything." Haise felt a tear slip down his cheek. He scrubbed at it with gritted teeth.

"What the hell did you do to Sasaki?" Ayato asked. He narrowed his eyes at the ghost who was standing back, looking confused and guilty. "I don't know how Nagachika and Sasaki know you, but maybe we should just get it over with and exorcise you―"

"Don't hurt him!" Haise shouted without even thinking, stumbling to his feet.

"He needs to be put to rest, it's the merciful thing to do."

Haise couldn't understand it. How could Ayato talk like that, as if Ken was an animal who needed to be euthanized? He squeezed his eyes shut. "I just got K-Ken back, and you want me to lose him again?"

Conflicting expressions warred on Hide's feet as he stood as well. "Haise... he does have a point."

" _You,_ too?" Haise said disbelievingly. Any warmth he had felt from Hide's words became buried under the sharp sting of betrayal. He shook his head. "You should just― just _go_. Please leave."

"You really think we're leaving you alone with this guy?" Ayato scoffed. "He's dangerous. He obviously hasn't been trying to sit down, chat about the weather and have a fucking cup of tea with you."

"You wouldn't hurt me, would you, Ken?" Haise blinked at the ghost. Ken would never, he knew that. Ken had died _protecting_ him.

"Of course not," Ken said.

Ayato started to protest again, and Haise's face hardened. He hovered his hand by his pocket, a last resort coming to mind. He wanted them to _leave_. They wanted to get rid of Ken, and he couldn't let them.

Hide tugged at Ayato's sleeve and shot him a warning look. The blond exhaled. "Okay. We'll give you time to say goodbye."

The _but we'll be back_ hung unspoken in the air.

Haise said nothing.

Hide went to the bookshelf and picked up his camera. He pulled out a book, glanced at it idly, then reshelved it. Ayato took the Ouija board. Then, just like that, they were gone.

*

Outside of the house, Ayato stared at Hide and frowned. "We're not really leaving him, are we? Because I'm not taking the blame when Sasaki gets ghost murdered."

"He was going to threaten to call the cops if we didn't hightail it out of there."

Ayato blinked and raised his eyebrows. Hide could read the silent question in his face. _You could tell something like that?_

Yes, yes Hide could. He knew Haise that well and more.

Hide thought of Haise's expression― lost, betrayed, pained, and part of him ached. He never wanted Haise to look like that, ever.

"So what's the plan?"

Hide winced and almost couldn't watch when he tossed his car keys to Ayato. "Here's the plan: I'm staying and you're going."

Ayato caught the keys and gaped at them like a kid seeing his presents on Christmas morning. He shot Hide a grudgingly worried glance almost as an after-thought. "Will you be fine?"

"Yeah. You never should've been involved, anyway, this is all personal. Will _you_ be fine?" Hide gestured to Ayato's injured hand.

Ayato looked at the gauze on his palm and flexed his fingers. "Yeah. Don't get your ass killed, Nagachika."

Ayato sauntered to the car. Hide tried not to think about how he was entrusting his baby to a fourteen year old who had most likely never driven before. It was just a short distance, he reminded himself. Ayato would drive himself home, then Hide would come get his car later. If Haise looked out and saw the car still in his driveway it would be suspicious, and Hide couldn't just let Ayato walk home injured. (Touka was already going to kill Hide.)

Ayato paused and glanced over his shoulder. "Later," he reminded Hide, pointing the keys at him.

"Later," Hide agreed, he would tell Ayato everything. He perched on the front steps and put his Bluetooth earbuds in.

*

Haise felt like a weight was off his shoulders when they left, like he could finally relax. He sat on his bed and looked at Ken, drank his appearance in. _So this is what Ken would look like, grown up._

Ken gravitated closer until he was standing between Haise's knees. He cupped Haise's cheek like he was something fragile, precious. It was a familiar touch. Haise closed his eyes and leaned into the cold fingers. It was a soothing balm to his mind, heart, soul, something he never even knew he had missed.

"May I?"

Haise didn't need to ask what he meant. "Yeah."

It was easier this time, less like being invaded and more like welcoming back a piece of himself. Ken sinking into him felt like home. Ken lifted their hand, while Haise watched curiously. There was no panic― it felt peaceful to let someone else take the wheel, even if it was strange to not be the one moving his own body.

Ken curled up on the bed, closed their eyes, and together they sank into a shared space in their minds.

They were in the playground, the one they always went to with Hide. They would eat burgers there and watch the stars, point out shapes in the clouds, look at the city lights in the distance, talk about everything and nothing. It was somewhere safe. It was somewhere _home._

_Kuro_ looked down at his hands, and they were small. A child's hands. He could just barely see the hints of his bangs in his vision, and they were black. He looked beside him and there was Ken, young as well.

"Kuro..." Ken said, pulling him close. "I was so lonely."

( _Haise,_ a part of him said, _my name is Haise._ It went ignored. They didn't need it.)

"I know," Kuro said, tears in his eyes. He tucked his head under Ken's chin, fisted his hands in his shirt.

"I don't want to be alone anymore." Ken's voice was soft, convincing, Kuro could feel it against his ear lulling him. "I was going to wait, but will you stay with me? Forever?"

"Just the two of us?" Kuro smiled. It sounded nice. No stress, no sadness, no complications. Just them.

"Of course." Ken smiled back.

Ken blinked their eyes open, and he was still smiling when he sat up, wrapped his hands around the scissors and pulled them from the table.

"It won't hurt for long," Ken promised. "Let's rest a bit..."

( _What about Mom and Dad? What about Saiko and Ginshi and Tooru and Kuki? Touka and Ayato and Hinami?! I don't want to die!_ Haise begged, screamed, cried. ... ** _HIDE!_** )

*

Hide listened to his phone, recording from where he had snuck it onto Haise's bookshelf. It was silent for a suspiciously long time before he heard it.

" _It won't hurt for long. Let's rest a bit._ "

Hide's blood ran cold. Then he was running, running, running before he could even think, throwing open the door and racing up the stairs and hurtling into Haise's room. The sight he was met with made him want to throw up, cry, scream. It was something he never wanted to see.

Haise had the blade of a pair of scissors poised at his neck.

Hide moved, again, without thinking. He hurled himself at Haise and fought with him, struggling against his kicking legs to pin him to the bed and force his wrists over his head. Hide may not have been religious, but in that moment he wanted to thank _God_ that Haise was weaker than him. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Get off of me!" Haise snarled. No― _Ken,_ Hide realized while looking down at grey eyes just a shade different. Haise was possessed again. Eyes wild, face flushed, chest heaving from their struggle, Ken continued squirming against Hide's iron grip. "I was so close! Just let me have my peace!"

"So your _big plan_ was to― to _kill Haise?_ " Hide choked. Sick disbelief rotted in his stomach. This couldn't be happening. This _couldn't_ be happening.

"We were supposed to be together! So what if he dies?! We can be happy with each other!"

Hide was usually in control of himself, but not now. His words spilled out and couldn't stop, he was disgusted and hysterical. "Who are you? Who the _hell_ are you? I was scared! I was so scared that you would hate me for falling in love with him, but I guess it doesn't matter because _you're not Ken!_ The Ken I knew would _never_ hurt a hair on Haise's head!"

Hide's voice broke. His chest couldn't decide whether to be an empty chasm or a painful one. He dropped his forehead to Ken's sternum, trembled. HIs eyes were wet, and he hated it. He had hated crying ever since he realized that tears wouldn't bring Ken back.

Hide wasn't the only one trembling. "You don't understand. I was so alone, I don't want to be alone anymore!"

"I was alone too," Hide whispered. He squeezed his eyes shut. "I lost almost everything when you died. There was only one person who could understand, and he forgot. So, Ken..."

Hide sat up, pulled Ken's hands with him, still holding the scissors, and pressed them to his own neck. He gave Ken a watery smile. This was manipulative, but Hide didn't _care._ If it saved Haise, then anything was worth it. "If you're going to kill Haise, please kill me. Because... because if I lose him, too, I really am losing everything."

It worked. Ken's eyes grew wider and wider, and he let out a strangled sob. His freezing hands went lax in Hide's, allowing the blond to throw the damned scissors far, far away from them.

"I'm sorry," Ken said, his grey eyes unable to meet Hide's. Underneath everything, Hide thought, Ken really was just a scared child. " _I'm sorry._ "

"I know." Hide leaned to rest his cheek on top of white and black hair. Haise's scent helped him steady his still-racing heart, comforting and familiar. "Will you come out and talk to us?"

A hesitant nod. Hide drew back, but kept one of his hands laced with Haise's.

*

For the second time, Haise felt Ken pull away and leave his body. He felt almost breathless with relief. His hand trembled in Hide's grip.

_I almost died,_ Haise couldn't stop thinking. He squeezed Hide's hand and looked up. There was a silent, _I've got you,_ written in brown eyes.

_I should have trusted you,_ Haise thought, ashamed.

Ken was sitting beside them, looking small and sad and guilty. Despite what had happened, Haise couldn't find it in him to be angry. What Ken had done was wrong, there was no denying that, but he hadn't done it with cruel intentions. He was lonely and hurt, and he was still Haise's family.

"Ken..." Haise murmured, "You know that I didn't forget about you that night... right?"

Ken's eyes finally snapped up. "But you never came."

"There was a blizzard, I got lost. I― I would have died, if Mom and― I mean, Akira and Koutarou didn't find me." Haise swallowed hard. It was tough to talk through the lump in his throat. "I tried, Ken. I'm so sorry, maybe I should have tried harder, just― when the police found you, you were... it was too late."

"You didn't forget me?" Ken's voice was small.

"You know that I did, later..." Haise's eyes stung. He wasn't sure if he could have gone on, if it weren't for Hide's hand in his, steadying him. "I didn't want to be Kuro in a world without Ken. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for running away."

"I think I would have done the same thing in your place," Ken admitted. "I never wanted you to be in pain. I was... happier, at first, knowing you weren't suffering. But I think I lost my way."

Haise _was_ suffering, he had been suffering. All of that running, and Haise's demons always caught up to him anyway. In scissors and swimming pools and pills and precipices. In panic attacks, In self-hatred. He always thought it was strange, feeling so _broken_ sometimes even though with his life, he thought he should have been happy.

( _In one study of people who were abused as children, by the age of twenty-one, eighty-percent matched criteria for at least one psychological disorder,_ Haise remembered reading somewhere.)

"I don't want to be without you either. I don't want to move on to wherever I'll go, and know you won't be there," Ken whispered. The next words seemed hard for him to say. "...But you deserve happiness. I'll wait for you."

"You're leaving?" Hide said, sounding lost. There was a fragility to him that Haise had never seen in Hide before.

"I'm going home," Ken agreed, smiling through his tears. "And I'll wait for you, as long as it takes."

Ken leaned in, cupped Haise's face like he had so many times before. Then he kissed Haise, softly, warmly, deeply. Haise watched as Ken turned to Hide and brushed his lips over the blond's.

"Take care of him," Ken said, forehead pressed to Hide's.

Then Ken was gone.

No bright lights, no fading out, nothing. Just like that, it was only Haise and Hide. Stunned, Haise brushed a finger over his lips.

"He always did love you more than he was supposed to," Hide murmured.

Silence. Something in Haise _broke._ Then he was throwing himself at Hide and crying, crying loud and desperate and pained, crying for all the years of hurt, crying for what they had lost. Hide cried too, and they held each other through it.

Sometimes, there was nothing anyone could do but grieve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want him but we're not right.../In the darkness I will meet my creators/And they will all agree, that I'm a suffocator/I'm sorry if I smothered you/I sometimes wish I'd stayed inside my mother/Never to come out. -Smother by Daughter
> 
> ^^^ my main song inspiration for ken tbh. ssso this is the last chapter before the epilogue and i'm kind of sad that i'm ending this fic but!! thank you all so much for the kudos/comments/bookmarks/just plain out reading this and supporting it :)


	13. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BEFORE YOU READ THIS please make sure that you read the previous chapter! this is the epilogue, which i'm uploading on the same day as the final chapter (the chapter before this.)

A week later, there was a knock on the door. Haise opened it and did a double-take, because standing on the doorstep was _Kuki_ , looking nervous and guilty and ready to bolt.

"I'm... home."

"Welcome back."

Things were going to be difficult, but at least it was a start.

*

Ken's grave was far enough away that Hide had to drive them there. A book and a bouquet of _shion_ flowers in his lap, Haise looked out the window and watched the scenery pass by. He and Hide silently supported each other.

"We're here," Hide said eventually. Outside, the sunlight played across the grass and flowers and tombstones, beautiful in a somber sort of way. Haise shut the car door behind him quietly. It would have felt wrong to slam it, like he was disturbing the peace.

They walked to Ken's resting place, grass rustling under their feet like a welcome. Haise laid the flowers and the book down.

 _You will not be forgotten,_ the tombstone read. Haise looked at the flowers and thought that now, that message could finally be true.

Haise didn't say anything, closing his eyes and soaking in the sound of birds chirping and trees swaying in the wind. The sunlight was warm in his hair, the stone was cool under his hand. He didn't need to say anything. He and Ken had always understood each other without words.

"Do you want to forget again?" Hide broke the silence with a quiet question. His voice was toneless, but Haise could tell he was afraid.

Haise knew the answer immediately, but he thought about it, really thought about it. He owed that to Hide.

"No," he said finally. "I'm tired of running away. I want to remember, even if it hurts."

They stayed there until the sun began to set.

On the walk back to the car, Haise reached for Hide's hand and held it.

"So," Haise took a breath. They hadn't talked about it, but he knew it was time. "You said you were in love with me."

"You heard that?" Hide laughed, scratching his cheek and averting his eyes.

"You said that you were scared he would hate you," Haise continued on. He stared at his feet, cheeks going warm when he said, "But you know, he basically gave us his blessing..."

"He did," Hide agreed, and when Haise dared a glance at his face, he was flushed too. They stopped in front of the car, turned toward each other with their legs brushing the hood. Hide reached for Haise's other hand. "So, I guess I should do this properly this time."

Hide's grin was saccharine. He announced dramatically but sincerely, "Kaneki Kuro... Sasaki Haise... whatever name you go by, I love you."

"I love you too," Haise breathed. Finally. _Finally._ _Finally!_ his mind sang.

"Then I," Hide leaned in and kissed Haise's left cheek, "Nagachika Hideyoshi," his right cheek, "do take you," his nose, "to be my lawfully boyfriended boyfriend." Finally, his lips. The kiss didn't last long, because neither could stop grinning.

"I hope you know you're never getting rid of me." Hide snickered.

"I think I'm pretty okay with that."

Haise wondered if somewhere, Ken was watching. He hoped Ken was smiling too.


End file.
